Lesson One

Sep. 10th, 2026 09:40 pm
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The apprentice had a headache. Colleen had jolted upright and tossed aside her rough blanket as soon the sun shone through the cracked glass windowpane, throwing a hand in front of her face. When no blows or shouts of her lateness followed, she slowly relaxed, and remembered she wasn't in her family's home anymore. She didn't feel relieved, exactly, but she certainly felt different than she did most mornings. But her head still ached. Her black eye and lip throbbed, and all of her crying had left her wrung out and exhausted. A good omen for her first day of apprenticeship, surely. 


She cautiously climbed out of the rude cot the wizard had dragged in from a pile of junk outdoors, taking a moment to neatly fix her blankets, before she crept out from the corner - “her” corner now, she supposed - to stand before the small fire already burning in the hearth. She felt a stir in her belly at the memory of last night's test, and whispered softly to herself, “A-akhmet.”


“Never speak a word of the magic tongues if you don't have a purpose,” came a sharp rebuke from the door, making Colleen all but jump out of her skin Bundled up in shawls against the cold air, the wizard-  no- Wizard Gorse was stepping inside, carrying a tattered wicker basket with a half dozen blue and brown eggs inside. “Especially not in this house. Last night's excitement,” she practically hissed that word, “Should have taught you everything you need to know about that. You have no idea what could be listening, waiting for a hexegram - a word which causes it to take action. Let that be your first lesson. Never use those words lightly.” 


“Yes, m-ma-” her stammer worsened as she strained to get the word out, and she had to pause, clenching her jaw briefly in frustration. “Yes Wizard G-Gorse.” The wizard made a gesture as if to wave away the acknowledgement from the air, and set about hanging a small pot of water over the fire, dropping the eggs into it. She pulled a dark loaf of bread from a wooden box on the shelf, as well as a small hunk of waxy cheese and two rough breadboards that clattered carelessly onto the table as she sat.


“I only have the one knife, so we'll have to make do,” the woman said matter of factly, drawing a knife from her pocket and using it to cut a few rough slices of cheese and tore the loaf halves, passing the smaller of the two to Colleen. The girl paused, unsure if she should begin eating before her teacher, but a snap of “What are you waiting for?” spurred her and she tore a large bite from the bread. It had a hard crust and was dry, but at that moment she discovered she was ferociously hungry and that made up for it. 


Wizard Gorse ate slowly, keeping one eye on the pot as it began to boil and one on the girl, who tried not to fidget. “Do you read, girl?” She asked. Colleen nodded, swallowing a lump of the cheese but hardly tasting it. “Y-yes. Some.” The wizard sighed, shaking her head. “Can you write? At least all the letters?” 

Colleen nodded, but hesitated and added, “With chalk. Not with pen. The p-priest didn't teach us th-that.” 


Wizard Gorse groaned, and rubbed her face with her hands, before rising to carefully take the pot by its long handle and hang it on a hook, fishing out the boiled eggs with a wooden spoon and setting them to roll crazily on the table for a moment. She took four, before signing and sliding one back and pushing three to Colleen. “I'm not any kind of a teacher, girl. So I don't know how to raise an apprentice. But I know you need to read, to write - with a quill AND chalk! - and you’ll need to learn numbers.” Colleen’s confusion must have shown on her face, because Wizard Gorse added, “The power is in words, girl, words. Spoken and written. So you will learn. In the Magisterium they won't even give you the test until you can show you know this much.” 


“And then spells…?” Colleen asked cautiously, looking up through her hair. The wizard seemed irritated with the question for some reason, and waved it away like she had waved away Colleen's other words before. “In time. But first, we put you in some fresh clothes, and you start to earn your keep. “The broom is an apprentice's first staff,” she added, with the air of someone delivering great wisdom. “Now eat your eggs.”


The aforementioned clothes turned out to be some of the wizard's very own, a rough grey woolen dress which she tacked up with a swift needle so Colleen wouldn't trip over the hem. It was sturdy but worn, with countless repairs made, and a few black patches that had faded to nearly match the grey around them. She also piled the girl into a sweater with a few lines of dropped stitches running from the floppy collar to the waist. Colleen had to roll up the sleeves to keep them from covering her hands. 

“Good enough. You should grow into it, after all. You're only what, twelve summers?” the wizard asked distantly, tossing the girl several mismatched socks from a chest. 


“F-fifteen, Wizard Gorse.” 


The wizard stopped and fixed her attention on Colleen, who felt scrawnier than she ever had before in the ill fitting clothes. The look of seemingly permanent annoyance Wizard Gorse wore softened a degree. “Fifteen, you say? …Poor harvests, the last few years?” Colleen shifted uncomfortably and nodded. That was as good an explanation as any. “V-very poor, yes.” “Well. Then maybe we'll manage to find you some that might fit better, soon enough. Soon enough. Till then, make sure you eat every meal. If you don't eat, you can't work or learn. Am I understood? No squirreling anything away or throwing crusts to the hens.” 


“Y-yes, Wizard Gorse.” 


The rest of Colleen's first day of apprenticeship consisted mainly of chores. She swept the cottages floor, doing her best to get the dust and debris from what seemed like dozens of broken this-and-thats out of the uneven floorboards, and tried to dust cobwebs from rafters and corners only to be chased away whenever she drew near to some important whatsit or other stashed in a dusty nook. Finally the wizard thrust a rake into her hand and set her to raking leaves away from the small yard around the cottage, piled up against the partially collapsed fence before the road. The breeze was already undoing her work when she returned inside, to see the wizard had been busy herself. Wizard Gorse had dragged a dusty trunk out from somewhere, and was rooting through it and muttering to herself as she pulled books out, considered each, and either added them to a short stack on the floor or returned them to the trunk. 


“Are those s-spellbooks, Wizard Gorse?”


“I do not require spellbooks,” the wizard replied with a sniff. “These are histories and legends. You will read these for at least two marks on the candle every night, until I am satisfied. Quietly. Every time you encounter a word you do not know, copy it to your slate, and I will tell you what it means.” But meanwhile, after giving Colleen another small meal of bread with a thin smear of honey, she sent her back out to work, using a hatchet to split dried logs found under the eaves. 


It was unfair, Colleen reflected, that she still had to do so many of the same tasks at a wizard's tower as she did on her family's farm. Not that it was much of a tower, though. She looked up at it as the late afternoon light shone on it, painting the mossy stones gold. It grew up and out of the shabby thatched cottage, barely twice and half more the height, and with a certain crookedness to it that made it look dangerous to enter or approach - dangerous in the way a rotten log over a stream might be dangerous to stand on. There was no apparent door to get inside, and no windows but for the very top, where four small round glass panes faced each cardinal direction. Wizard Gorse was the only spellwright in this corner of the realm, but she clearly wasn't reaping great wealth from the position. Colleen sighed and rubbed her cold hands together, before she hefted a heavy armful of wood and kindling into her arms, balancing the hatchet on top, clumsily nudging the door open to carry the load inside. 


After the evening meal - a thin soup of bean, onion and dried sausages and a surprising treat of dried apricots and walnuts - Wizard Gorse rummaged in a small pouch on her belt, and placed from it on the table a small wooden disk, with a faded enameled image of a hunting dog on its face. She also opened a small book, rifling through its pages till she found one with a detailed drawing of the disk, crammed with barely legible notes. “Last night, you said to me that my ring told you what to say. Now, I want you to look at this. Hold it, turn it in all ways. Examine it thoroughly! And then place it back on the table. But say nothing!”, she warned, as she slid the disk over for Colleen to pick up. “Not a word.” 


"B-but why not?" Colleen asked reasonably, "How else am I to learn?"

"I told you this morning, girl, they listen. Now look."


The disk was small enough to fit in Colleen's palm, and as she slowly turned it over in her fingers, she found the beat of her heart quickening, and began to restlessly tap her foot. The lean, long legged hound on the face was pointing, as if it had sighted quarry and was waiting to be set after it. It carried a tension, like a drawn bowstring, ready to be released, eager to chase. It waited only for the master’s command. 


Which was… was… she absently found herself opening her mouth to speak but her reverie was interrupted by the wizard forcefully pressing her palm over Colleen’s mouth, her free hand snatching the pendant away. “Not a word, I said!!” The tense anticipation immediately fled from Colleen's body, and she let out a whoop of breath she didn't know she'd been holding. The wizard watched her mistrustfully, as if she might take it back, but once it was clear her apprentice was only going to catch her breath, she quickly dipped a quill and scrawled a new note on the page. 


“I’m sorry! I d-didn't- What would have h- happened?” Colleen said, when she was able to speak again. Wizard Gorse didn't answer immediately, leaning closer to the book as she squinted at her notes, adding one more quick word. “It is a charm for…” she trailed off, seeming to consider her words. “Hmm. Finding lost things. It is very useful, but can be difficult if used without care.” She shook her head, making a face. “Now, I am going to say a word in a tongue called Waellian, slowly and carefully. It means 'to find.' And you will only nod yes or no, if it is the same one that you were about to say.” She waited till Colleen nodded her understanding. 


The wizard closed her eyes, and with great care slowly intoned, “Heyekhi.” Colleen bit her lip, and slowly shook her head, making the wizard frown. “What is it?” 


“It n-needs-” she stopped, unsure how to express her idea. The wizard’s word was almost right. She clicked her tongue with irritation, and started again, feeling the shape of the right word in her tongue, ready to - to run? To seek? No! It was to hunt! “It should b-be-” “Don't, you'll wake it!” “- hejekkhi!”


The next moment Colleen was standing in the middle of the muddy trail well over a mile from the cottage, clutching a muddy silver coin in her fist in the moonlight. She whirled around with confusion, unsure how she had gotten here - her clothes were damp with sweat in the chill night air. A distant sound caught her attention, and she looked to see the red faced wizard was running up the path behind her, swearing breathlessly at each muddy rut that tripped her up before finally coming to a wheezing halt beside the girl. 


“I t-think I dropped this l-last night,” Colleen said in confused wonder, before jolting as her legs were gripped with blazes of pain. She cried out, and Wizard Gorse caught her with a swear. “Is it a c-curse??” 


“It's... cramps...! you fool...! You ran here...! Like you were ridden by a demon! Now come!” The gasping wizard took her by the shoulder and began to guide her back in the direction of the home. She half held the girl up, supporting her when her legs threatened to give out, and helped her to her cot, grumbling oaths and curses the entire time. Colleen was asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

Test

Sep. 3rd, 2026 07:39 am
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The air was thick with ozone in the cottage, and the wizard had a headache. The drafts blowing through the cracks and gaps in the masonry were almost a blessing, even with the cold of the night. If only they didn't disturb her notes or flicker her candle, sending scraps of reed paper and parchment tumbling every time the wind howled. It made her grind her teeth in frustration, finally sweeping the whole lot into a pile and thumping a heavy iron pot on top. The only page of real importance she kept out, though, corners held under stones, the page nearly full of notes written in a cramped and tightly spaced hand as well as a dozen minute sketches. 

The object of her study was a heavy ring sized for a large hand, formed from copper wire twisted into itself in a way which made it difficult to discern where the strands began or ended, with cloudy unpolished lumps of quartz embedded throughout. It lay on the rough boards of her table, surrounded by several fresh scorch marks among countless hundreds of older burns. Thin smoke still rose from the wood beneath it.

Promising result. Gladeolan word/words for lightning provoke energetic response but not useful; dangerous. Booby trap? Maker enemy of Glade? look up historic enemies of G and try their wor- 

A knock at the door startled her out of her concentration, and the wizard swore as her pen spattered ink on the parchment, stabbing the quill into a jar of sand as she rose with a shout. “Go away! I don't make potions! I don't heal animals or husbands! I don't know what the lump on your neck is! Leave me be!”

The wind stilled and for a moment silence fell, before her door rattled again to a sharp, rapid bang. Not a heavy knock, but not timid either. With a disgusted grumble, she gathered a shawl onto her shoulders and strode to the door, throwing it open with another shout, “I said go away! Don't tempt me to waste a spell on you for your foolishness!” 

The wizard's shout was met with silence from the petitioner at her door, a youth of… she wasn't sure of the child's age, actually, she didn't concern herself with young people. Still, a youth, who looked up at her through tangled hair. The child had recoiled with shock, but didn't leave, seeming to steel herself before she forced out words through a stutter. “Wizard.” Not a greeting, but a declaration. “You have. An. Apprentice?”

“I have no apprentice. You're looking for a different wizard. Go away.” She made to slam the door, but the girl’s foot blocked the door - she even forced her shoulder in, glaring up at the wizard with an accusing blue eye looking through her hair. “Apprentice! Test!” 

The wizard opened her mouth for an angry rebuke, but then froze as comprehension dawned, her anger becoming green tinged with a nervous fear. She shook her head rapidly. “No. No, I don't give the test. I’m fresh out of materials. Go to - go to a different wizard! No tests here!”

“Test! Apprentice! Law!” The light fell on the youths face and her hair fell to the side, showing her other eye was swollen shut by a horrendous purple bruise the spread down her cheek, the dirt on her cheeks cut with tear streaks. The collar of her blouse was freshly torn and her sleeve hung poorly on that side. “Y-you have to,” she managed to force out. 

The wizard had managed to avoid this little trap of the law for decades. To prevent untutored sorcerers from cropping up and massacring their little hamlets with an innocent gesture or opening gates to hell with an oath, anyone who petitioned a wizard to be tested would be. And any who showed some trace of the gift must be taught - at least taught enough to keep them from killing anyone by accident. Typically by the wizard who tested them. She still would have turned the girl away, law be damned, but seeing her in this state, she simply couldn't bring herself to turn the youth back out into the cold. She sighed with self-disgust for her soft-heartedness.

“Fine. Get in. Sit at the table, hands at your sides, and touch nothing.” She nearly caught the child in the door as she slammed and barred it behind her, shuddering in the cold that now filled her home. The dully glowing coals of her cookfire were no match for the autumn chill, and struggled to light the single log she nestled onto the hearth. Then she slid a small, dusty box from a high shelf, staring at it before she opened it and withdrew a single, almost completely untouched stick of blue-grey chalk. She found the spindly youth sitting as commanded, but not looking around curiously - instead, she was staring at the ring on the table with unsettling concentration, until the wizard snapped her fingers next to the girl's ear, startling her to attention. 

“As the law commands, I will give you the test. You will have three attempts, and not a one more. If you cannot kindle the spark within, the flame will never take hold, and no amount of crying or begging will change that. Do you understand?” At the girl's nod, she carefully set aside the notes and stones from the table, placing a scrap of tattered papyrus in their place, and turning an empty mug upside down onto it. 

The wizard shoved the chalk into the youth’s hand. “Trace the mug to make a circle, as perfectly as you can. Quickly now. There, that will do. Set the mug aside. Attend me now, because I won't repeat myself!”  The child nodded, listening intently, brushing her hair aside and keeping her good eye determinedly fixed on the wizard. “Now, I will speak many words, and you will repeat each of them in turn. None of them will mean anything to you, but each is a word for light. But as you repeat them, you must look to your circle and imagine your own light - the sun, a flame, a star, a lamp, any light, it isn't important what sort. What matters is that if the power can be found within you, the circle will begin to glow. Are you prepared?” She nodded again. “Very well.”

It had been decades - several decades - since the wizard had sat in the youth's place at her own testing, yet she found the words still ready in her mind. She spoke the first with a certain bitterness, remembering the excitement she had felt. “Akket.” 

“Ak- ak-” the youth’s stammer made the word a battle. “Akket.” The circle remained plain chalk, and the girl swallowed nervously. 

“Emer.” The wizard had been so hopeful, then. So eager to learn. “Emm-mer.”

“Bealla.” And for what? For what, really? “B-Beal-alla.” The litany went on like that, and the youth's frustration and distress grew with every word. Call. Response. Call. Response. 

Imjahur.

Hei-ao.

Manauwe.

Ikkitil.

Uhmer.

Akket.


The final word hung in the air for a moment after the girl finally wrung it from herself. “That was your first attempt. Again. Akket.” She wasn't even really watching the girl anymore as she spoke the words, not listening. She didn't notice the youth's eyes drifting from the circle of chalk to the ring again, tracing its coils and twists with fascination, her stammer subsiding word by word. 


Hei-ao.
Manauwe.


The wizard remembered the growing panic within as she had faithfully repeated each word the magister spoke during her own test, in a room full of other hopeful candidates, circles glowing left and right - dull, bright, steady and flickering, silver and gold. The silence in the room as she tried over and over, alone. The magister's gentle hand on her shoulder had stung worse than a slap. 


Ikkitil.
Uhmer.
Akket.


The circle of chalk was still unlit. “This will be your final attempt. Steel yourself.” She was startled when the girl didn't wait for her prompt, instead beginning on her own, her gaze on the ring but her focus distant. Akkhet. Emér. Béalla. She was stressing the syllables ever so slightly, and the wizard took a step backwards as blue white light began to flicker. Imjahur. Hei-ao. Manauwe. The light rippled from the chalk circle, a ring of ghostly flame.

Îkkitil. 
Uhmeer. 

Akkhet.

The sickly flame flared into brightness, shaming the candles and struggling flames of the fire in the hearth, sparkling like the sun's reflection on a river cast into a circle, till it burnt out, leaving a charred smear where the chalk had been before. And then, with the delight of someone who's just discovered the answer to a riddle, the youth spoke one more word, exclaiming the old Haimosh word for lightning. Her inflection was perfect. “Îkitimil!”

The flash and explosion that followed left the wizard dazzled, but as her vision cleared she saw an angry ball of burning plasma hovering above the ring, only to flicker out of existence a moment later. Oh, of course it would be Haimosh. They despised the Glade, she thought distantly, before shaking herself out of her daze.

The wizard found the girl still seated before the smoking table, and grabbed her by the shoulder. “How did you know that word? Who taught you that? Speak, now!” The youth shook her head. “The- the ring told me,” she finally stammered. She shrank down slightly, unable to understand the wizard's expression - anger, fear, sadness, and jealousy all fighting for control on the woman's face. Finally the wizard let out a shuddering breath, and shook her head. When she spoke, it was with resignation.

“What is your name, girl?”

“C- Colleen.”

“Colleen, I am Heather Gorse. Wizard Gorse, when you speak to me. To the best of my ability,” she said, the word bitter in her mouth. 

“To the best of my ability, I will teach you.” 

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Armes Albrecht for decades had made a habit of doing her morning exercises in solitude as the sun rose, alone in the training hall. Her routine was simple – following the motions of battle. Swing. Thrust. Parry. Lunge. Backswing. Step. All of them were executed with excruciating slowness, however, while holding an awkward, heavy sledgehammer – the strain of keeping the thing steady as she moved glacially from form to form made even her bulky arms tremble, and her hair and simple training garb was soaked with sweat. She was in the middle of an estrelitta when a furious voice spoke out just behind her, startling her badly enough that she nearly dropped the hammer.

              “You left me to die, Albrecht!”  

She acted on instinct and whirled, raising the weapon in a sweeping strike, but received her second shock of the morning as she found herself being stared down by the outraged eyes of the king’s Fool. Unable to stop the motion, she released the hammer, letting it whirl off to crash into a rack of training weights on the wall. The Fool didn’t flinch, carried forward with his anger, and stabbed his finger at the center of her collarbone, glaring up into her eyes. His jester’s motley was travelworn and singed, and he looked exhausted.

              “You set the inn on fire, and you left me to die! I woke up in an inferno, Albrecht! That you caused! Do you have any idea what that’s like? And after I managed to get out intact, what kind of scene awaited me? Did you lose your mind, demon? Did the bloodlust become too strong? You left the innkeeper in HALVES! What the devil happened?! Where did you go?!”

              Armes was pale with realization. “They had stolen her. They were stolen her, and I, ah… I forgot about you. My duty was too important, and I acted without thinking.” She thought back to that night – returning to her room, which she had left so briefly, only to learn that her belongings had been snatched, including her pack with its precious cargo – the Princess, hidden away. “I was ordered to-“

              Though it seemed impossible, the Fool actually managed to get even angrier. Armes actually took a step back – she didn’t know the jester had a temper at all. “You FORGOT me? In your haste to what, Albrecht!? To slaughter a few pickpockets? For swiping your precious toy? I know you threatened me to keep it secret, but I didn’t think you were truly that mad!” He snatched his belled cap on his head, twisting it in his hands. “What in all the gods names could be that important?”

              She took a steadying breath, her composure beginning to return. Heavens above, what a shock that had been. She was losing her edge. And who would have imagined he could move so silently with all those bells? She took another breath. “I will show you. Come with me, to the Princess’s chambers.”

              He didn’t agree to follow her right way, and when she finally managed to coax him into coming along, he spent the entire journey through the halls haranguing her, delivering insults cruel enough to blister. She couldn’t fault him for it. She hadn’t thought for even one moment about his fate after running to Alysia’s rescue. She accepted that enough retainers and guards had witnessed her beratement that she would simply have to live with the consequences. She raised a hand as they approached the door to her rooms, however, and he briefly paused his tirade. “What you are about to see is a secret. A secret of the Realm, not just of myself. Everyone who has borne witness must swear an oath not to reveal it to anyone who may be able to endanger the Realm, on pain of death. Do you understand?”   

              He gestured impatiently as he made the sign of the Redeemer, rapidly rattling off the customary vow, and she knocked, opening the door only after hearing the Princess’ assent. “So let’s see what’s so blasted important that you- ah, Your highness! Good morning!”

Alysia sat at the window, staring down at the town below the walls as she rested her chin in her hand. Her bear-self sat in the crook of her arm, staying still as her puppet-self turned to regard her visitor. “Oh, it’s you! Thank goodness! I was so worried, after that night at the inn!”

              The Fool approached, laughing and smiling. “Oh, you heard about that? Hahaha, the fire found my jokes in such poor taste that it wouldn’t devour me, though I-“ He froze as he drew near, though. His eyes darted to the bear, clearly recognizing it, and then back up to Alysia’s face. He stepped closer, and she shifted with a quiet rattle of wooden joints, surprised when he reached out to gently touch her wooden cheek. “You’ve been through some changes since the last time we saw each other here at the castle, haven’t you, Princess?”

              “Well, the last time we saw each other was actually that day on the road you spotted me in Armes’ bag, really…” She said with her bear-self, holding herself up and taking his hand with two small paws. “It’s been quite a year for me.”

              The Fool’s eyes were bright with wonder. “What on earth happened?” As she told him the whole story, including all of the near misses and dangers, his face – usually so expressive that each emotion seemed almost a caricature of itself – was still, as he merely listened intently, nodding at points, occasionally murmuring a quiet request for clarification. When she described the brief death of Armes and her terror in the witch’s jar, he squeezed her paw tightly. “It’s a miracle. You being here, to speak to me today, is truly a miracle. The songs they’ll sing about your journey will be incredible, when this is all behind you and the tale can be told.”

              He looked over his shoulder at Albrecht, who had taken a seat on an ornate little sofa. “I understand a bit more, now. You’re still a beast in human shape.” His expression softened slightly. “But at least you’re a loyal beast.” He sighed, and looked back to Alysia. “So! You’re blessed with two bodies now, then? Would you reward your dear Fool with a little demonstration of what you can do? I’ve never seen anything like this before, even when I toured the Magisterium.”

“Of course!” Alysia rose and gave the fool her seat, joints rattling softly as she paraded back and forth through the room, both of her bodies in unison. She danced a courtly ballroom dance with an imaginary partner, and with the slim decorative rapier she had been given ages ago by her father even fenced with the air, thrusting and parrying. “Elbow in, Alysia,” Armes murmured softly, the puppet rolling her eyes even as her expression remained carved neutrality.

              The Fool made suitably impressed noises, but as he watched intently he began to frown, and raised his hand. “You find people are uncomfortable around this form even when you disguise it carefully, don’t you? Odd looks. Confusion.”

              Alysia blinked and nodded, carefully returning the rapieer to its scabbard and tossing it carelessly onto her bed. “Yes. Even when I wore gloves to cover my hands, and hid my face behind a fan – people would get uneasy around me. Like they could sense something.”

              “I’m not surprised. You’re marvelous, truly, but…”

              “But what?”

              “You’re clearly an amateur.”

              “I beg your pardon?” both of Alysia’s voices asked, simultaneously.

              The Fool didn’t seem to notice her irritation, rubbing his chin as he thought things through. “A gifted amateur, but still. It’s not both of them, though. Your little body looks as alive as anyone has ever looked. It’s the big one. That one’s not ‘alive’ in the same way. You have to think about what you’re doing, don’t you? It’s not second nature.”

              “I- well, yes. But How can you say that? I can play cat’s cradle with it! I can knit!  I couldn’t do that before I was changed!” She sounded hurt, like a youth who’s schoolwork was being criticized. “What else could there possibly be?”

              The Fool seemed to struggle to put it into words, and finally shook his head. “I have to show you. It won’t mean anything if I don’t show it. I’ll be back in a moment – if I am permitted to leave, Albrecht? Unless you planned to throw me out of the window once you revealed this whole plot to me?”

“I don’t care for defenestration. Come and go as you like, you’re the Fool. The castle is your home. And… I’m sorry.” She bowed her head slightly in apology. The Fool merely hmphed as he passed, before jogging off with a clatter of bells.

“I can’t believe you forgot him.”

“I had to maintain my priorities! You came first!”

“In a burning building!”

“I said that I was sor-“

 They were interrupted as the Fool returned, carrying a sturdy trunk. He unlocked it and carefully removed a lovely marionette, making the Princess gasp in wonder. It was half of a matched pair, silly caricatures of a princess in pink lace and a prince with puffy sleeves and floppy hat. He carefully set the prince-puppet aside, and after smoothing her lace and gown, took up the handles of the princess-marionette.

“With puppets, you don’t just wiggle a string, and it moves,” he said, as he guided it gently in a graceful walk across the floor. “It isn’t enough to make the movement ‘right’. It needs more, if you want your audience to believe it. You have to give it the illusion of life. And that’s where you’re falling short.” He carefully tipped the handles and tugged strings, and the puppet danced, a dance just like Alysia herself had performed a little while before. Her bear-self walked closer, watching with wonder and frustration – in the Fool’s clever hands, the doll truly did seem to come to life in a way that she knew her own puppet-self didn’t. But she couldn’t understand what exactly he was doing differently.

“Every one of us from birth, though we don’t know it, is a student of human emotion. We know what it looks like, we know the universal motions of joy, of rage, of grief. And we know when something is missing, too. We might not be able to articulate why, but in our minds, we recall every time we’ve seen an emotion before, and we can tell something is lacking. To perform, you have to be more than a student. You must become a scholar.” The puppet’s dance faltered, and it stumbled, taking a few wobbly steps before sinking to its knees. Its posture hunched and it folded its hands across its chest, drawing inward, head lowering – seeming to sink into sadness so profound that Alysia raised one of her paws to comfort it almost without realizing what she was doing. “You must become a mirror that you hold up to audience, so they see their feelings reflected in you. That makes it true, that makes it real.” The puppet turned its carved wooden face up to Alysia, reaching out to touch her paw with its stiff fingers. It nodded, as if in gratitude for her kind gesture. And then in a heartbeat the fool whirled it up and away, to sprawl it carefully on a table, lifeless again.

“How? How do I do that?” Alicia’s puppet-self had risen, and took a few uncertain steps closer, the Princess suddenly very conscious of her own motions.

The Fool smiled. “I’ll teach you.”

-----

              “No, no! Do it again. Remember – you’re showing the delicate pleasure of a secret you can’t wait to reveal! It’s about what you DON’T show as much as what you do! You’re being too coarse, too blatant. I know that you know this – now show me!” Armes watched with fascination as Alysia faced the tall, expensive mirror the Fool had demanded and smoothed her dress with her wooden fingers before settling into the role. While the Fool wasn’t satisfied, it was still remarkable in the knight’s eyes as the puppet seemed to relax, and then tighten, setting her shoulders just so, her head taking a very specific set as she flicked a fan up to hide her wooden non-smile. She glanced furtively left and right, and the fingers of her free hand held a delicate curl – as if she wanted nothing more than to call for someone’s attention, to whisper in their ear. “Good, good – you’re getting there… Better. Next. Your duty calls. You are in the court, and you are to meet a dignitary of the State. You wish to convey respect, but only precisely enough, and not an ounce more – you are the future queen, after all. Do it just as you used to. Think back to that time. Feel it. That moment never ended. You are living in that moment. Now… Show me.”

              The Princess’s body language had become so much more nuanced in the last few months that the trusted handmaidens who came in the midday to keep her company had finally begun to relax in Alysia’s company, smiling more naturally and even sharing the gossip and current events of the court. Armes marveled to see Alysia laughing with them, her shoulders shaking, chest rising and falling with nonexistent breaths. Her motions on the road to the castle had been mechanical and stiff, but they had gathered new grace – easing from stillness into motion, back delicately into stillness – little secondary gestures layered onto every action bringing them to life, a skillful recreation of her unconscious manner when she was embodied in her original form. The puppet body dutifully stepped into a wardrobe any time the King had visited, but the knight now wondered if maybe she shouldn’t any longer. Soon, if one didn’t know what to look for, Alysia would be able to walk through a crowded room with no one the wiser.

              The Fool and Princess had moved on to other subjects. “I still feel foolish, sometimes, when I exaggerate my motions. What purpose does that serve?” She made a show of picking up an empty teacup and saucer, each step of the procedure done in the manner of a pantomime. She even made a slurping sound as she touched it to her carved lips.

              “In our practice, you exaggerate so that in the moment, every little part of the gesture is second nature.” The Fool mimicked her motion with his empty hands. “We take the cup, we hold it. Ah, so hot! Pinky out. We blow on the tea. We close our eyes, we inhale, we savor. That first sip – ah, the warmth fills us! A sigh of satisfaction. You’re dividing your attention two different ways. If you internalize every gesture, you don’t have to think about it anymore. Your body’s memory will take care of the details for you. Does Albrecht think every time she swings her blade?”

              “Of course I do, I’m a thoughtful woman.”

              “God hates a liar, Albrecht.”

             


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Halberds parted at every gateway as Armes led the way into the palace, every soldier knowing her at a glance – by her reputation if not personal acquaintance. The story of the Realm’s own war-devil was known to anyone who carried a weapon.

They had departed in the dark through a side door the year prior, and would have returned the same way had Alysia not insisted otherwise. The princess kept her hood up and fan upraised to reveal only her eyes as her only concession to the knight’s insistence on secrecy, and they had walked in boldly through the front gates in full midday sun. Only one soldier had had the strength of nerve to demand Alysia reveal her face – but that strength abandoned him when Armes turned her hard eyes on him, her lip curling in a way that made the scars on her face twist in awful ways. The man had paled and stepped back swiftly, calling for a squire who had ushered them to the king’s private chambers. The girl was struck almost speechless, barely managing to squeak out, “Lady Knight Armes and her noble c-companion,” opening the doors at the King’s assent. As soon as the doors shut behind Alysia and her knight protector, the squire could be heard breaking into a frantic run down the hall.

Alysia’s father didn’t look up from the parchments he was reading as Armes entered and knelt silently, his dark brow furrowed. He paid no regard to Alysia, who knelt at Armes’ right hand. She folded her fan, but kept her face lowered. If her wooden face could smile, it would be hard to contain her grin, but if this wooden body she puppeted about had any advantages over her old flesh body, it was that it never betrayed her emotions. Finally, her father sighed, scrawling a few lines on the parchment and setting it aside. “A year without word is a long time, Albrecht. Especially when you’re meant to have my daughter with you. A long, long time for you to simply walk in through the front door as if you’d simply popped off for an errand.”

“You ordered discretion, Sire. And silence is the greatest discretion of all. No one can intercept a messenger who isn’t sent.”

King Goldenseal’s voice was low with restrained anger. “Don’t you dare talk to me about discretion – I’ve had plenty of news of your… exploits, around the Realm! Are you a demon in more than just name? You’ve-“ He finally looked up, and his words cut off. “Alysia?” He rose to his feet, staring. “Is that you? Rise.”

Alysia’s wooden joints knocked and rattled softly as she rose to her feet, and swept her skirts out wide in a respectful curtsy. She was unable to hold in her laughter any longer, however. “Hello, Papa! It’s wonderful to see you again – have you missed me?” Her father rushed from his table towards her, but stopped abruptly short of her outstretched arms. “Armes.” His voice was low and dangerous. “Explain this. Immediately.”

“Oh Father, you should see your face right now-”

“On pain of death, you will produce my daughter, Armes.” The king’s hand gripped the hilt of his ceremonial sword tight enough to make his bones creak. “Immediately.”

“Father, please, listen to me for just a moment-“

“She stands before you, Sire. In truth. She is Alysia Goldenseal.” Armes didn’t blink or flinch as the blade was drawn, the tip pressed to her throat with enough pressure to draw forth a thin stream of blood. Her expression was nothing but respectful deference, and in any other knight the king would have thought it madness or mockery.

“You dare. You dare to present this… this thing to me,” He whipped his hand, finger pointing directly at Alysia’s face, ”-and expect me to believe it my Alysia? I’ll have you flayed, Albrecht, I’ll make your death a veritable damned inspiration for the Hell that finally takes you! I’ll-“ Alysia’s wooden hand took him by the wrist, grasping forcefully and yanking him off balance. He raised his sword to chop at her.

“Don’t be tiresome, Father,” Alysia said, her voice this time thinner, smaller. From under the hood crawled the small stuffed bear she had spent most of the last year inhabiting, and it brushed past the dark dolls-hair curls to stand on her wooden body’s shoulder, before carefully hopping to her father’s trapped, trembling hand and balancing neatly on his arm. “The situation obviously isn’t ideal, but an improvement is an improvement, wouldn’t you agree? Put that stupid thing away.”

King Goldenseal still held his blade in a deathgrip, but slowly lowered it, his breath shaking. “Release my hand.”

“And not even a hello for your poor, bewitched daughter, who-“ She was interrupted by the king’s enraged shout as he hurled the sword across the room, the guards outside entering immediately, halberds lowered, before retreating just as fast before his roared dismissal. Alysia stepped back, startled, her wooden hands raised before her. Her bear-body tumbled to the floor, landing with a soft thud before scrambling away as well to hide behind her puppet-body’s skirts.

“I didn’t send you away for you to return as this… plaything! Do you think you can fulfil your responsibilities in this way? Hold court? This is worse than before – you can’t even hide away and listen, in that thing. And now the word will spread of your return to the Realm from your studies abroad – you’ve walked right in through the front door! What in the seven Hells am I to do now? Every action our family takes is watched by the nobility – the scheming mongrels are always looking for some thing they can twist to their advantage. The bear thing was bad enough!” His dark skin was darkened even further with anger, and he rubbed his temples before groaning with frustration. “Armes. Take Alysia to her chambers. Use that horrid face of yours to scare away any gawking simpletons who might see. I will call on you tonight, Alysia. I need time to think of what to do with you. Now go.”

Armes rose and bowed deeply, a few drops of blood running to her chin and spattering on the floor. “Of course, Sire.”

Alysia blinked with shock, her eyes the only part of her face expressing her dismay. “What to DO with me? I’ve returned home to you, and this is how I’m to be treated? It’s been a YEAR, Father!”

“Now, Armes.” The king stalked back to his table, scowling as he took a seat with his back to his daughter and her knight protector. Armes scooped the bear from the floor as she firmly began to guide the puppet with her to the doors, an irresistible force.  

“And put that… that homunculus in a closet, or something. I won’t see a mockery of Alysia’s face.”

“I won’t be ignored, Father! Speak to me, right this moment! Damn you!!” Her indignant scream echoed in the hall as Armes forcefully shut the door, before Alysia snatched her bear-self from the knight and whirled away to stalk down the halls, each step clacking loudly on the stone floor. Armes took a step to follow, but paused, glancing at the two guards. “If so much as a whisper comes out about this, I won’t stop ‘til your very family names are stamped out of memory. Am I understood?” The two men nodded, sweat beading their foreheads. “Y-yes, Knight Albrecht!”

“Your discretion speaks to your noble character, guardsmen. Resume your duties.” She departed swiftly, long legs eating the distance as she raced after the princess.

 ---

The King didn’t come to Alysia’s room that night or the following one, or the following. The only company Alysia had was the silent servant who delivered meals to her, and then retrieved them uneaten an hour later without remark. It was a week before he finally arrived, in the dead of night. He entered without announcing himself, accompanied by Armes. Alysia’s puppet body sat directly before the door, eyes fixed on him, expressionless as always. “You honor me with your presence, Father. Thank you for finding a few minutes for your pitiable daughter in your desperately busy schedule.”

The king regarded it for a moment. “I told you to get that out of my sight, Armes.” He walked past it. “Come out, Alysia. We need to speak.”

Her bear-body crawled out from under the bed, and she glared with as close to haughty disdain as the plush toy allowed, climbing clumsily up onto her sheets to face her father. “Oh, do we? You’ll forgive me – I thought if we needed to speak urgently, you would have spoken to me days ago.”  

“Your time with this affliction has made you more childish than you were. I expected more of you.” He sighed, and briefly removed his golden circle, rubbing his temples before pushing his dark curls back and reseating it. He took a heavy seat beside the bear, his large hand resting across both of her shoulders in an awkward gesture of fatherly affection. “Perhaps I haven’t set the best example, but I did my best to teach you patience, did I not?”

She turned away from him with a sniff, her little arms folded across her chest. “Did you? I don’t recall. Mostly I remember being pushed out of the servant’s entrance the moment my presence might have become embarrassing.” Her father sighed again. “I recall you seemed quite excited for your ‘adventure,’” he said, firmly turning her to face him. “It was all I could do to make you accept a guardian. I would have kept you here and sent a knight alone to find a cure, if I had my way.”

“So you could keep me locked in this chamber? Out of sight, forgotten?”

“To keep you safe, Alysia! Safe! Armes has delivered her report to me, of your misadventures – bandits! Hounds! The witch! You could have died at any time. You could have been taken and used against the Realm! What do you think our enemies would do, if you fell into their hands? What would they try to wring from me?”

“I exist as more than a bargaining chip, Father. I am not simply a potential weakness for the kingdom – I’m a living and breathing – well, living, at least – person. If I can’t be trusted to take care of myself while accompanied by the mightiest knight who ever served the Realm, how will you trust me to rule? Will you set some scheming Vizier beside me, to plot and scheme as they ‘advise’ me? I’ve read enough stories – I know how that sort of story ends!”

“I trusted you to know that your actions have consequences for others besides yourself – the whole kingdom can be effected!  Crushing the rumors of what happened in that village where you were kidnapped took weeks – it took gold to buy silence, and blood when the silence couldn’t be bought! Do you accept that responsibility?”

Alysia stiffened at the memory of that horrible night. “I never asked for that.” she said, her voice thin.

“Of course you didn’t. But it’s your lot, regardless. Every decision we make carries the weight of lives. And if you treat it as a game, more are lost than ever needed to be.” His hand on her shoulders felt so terribly heavy.

Silence lingered for a while before he took a deep breath, patting her and rising. “In any case. In the meanwhile, what can be done? You’ve come home to me. Not as I had hoped, but in one piece, which is good enough for now. Remain here. I will find some retainers who can be trusted not to wag their idiot tongues, and you won’t have to bide your time alone. I can send a cadre of knights to seek a cure. Knights start getting depressed if you don’t give them a quest now and then, it’ll be good for their health. And that way I can keep this one,” he jerked his chin towards Armes, who nodded deferentially, “ here in my sight, where I don’t have to fear I’ll wake up and discover she’s obliterated the entire family line of some petty baron god knows where.”

“Only if it were of the utmost necessity, Sire,” the knight murmured agreeably.

“I – we did not intend to stay, Father! I only wanted to show you that I was well, and that we had made progress – I meant to return to the road days ago, in fact!”

“Absolutely not. Out of the question. Armes, come. I want to discuss possible candidates with you.”

“Father!”

“That will be all, Alysia. Remember. Patience.”

He departed as quickly as he had arrived, Armes following behind, and the door shut and locked as tightly as any of the chambers in the castle dungeon, muffling her outraged scream


Fireball

Apr. 21st, 2025 11:14 pm
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Sunrise still glowed pink and yellow above the distant hilltops in the east. The air was dry and growing hotter by the minute even that early in the morning. A day touched by Fire. It was auspicious, the old man decided. And even in his heavy grey wool and soot stained asbestos apron, heat seldom bothered him the way it appeared to bother his companion.

“I don’t know why I have to learn a spell like this in the first place,” the sweating young man in clean, freshly pressed white robes complained, “It’s so pedestrian. I’m not interested in becoming some shoddy traveling spellminster, I want to learn proper wizardry!” He kicked a stone with an expensive shoe, fussing as some of the artillery range’s dust came up with it and stained his hem. “This isn’t what my father is paying you for!” His cry echoed off the distant canyon walls, little burnable vegetation in the area to muffle them.

Arcanist Waldbrand waited patiently as his student – Klaren Elderflower, third son of a rich family, definitely not an apprentice, this little scrap of kindling would never survive a proper apprenticeship - whined, seemingly endlessly, till he had exhausted his supply of complaints. After a sullen silence fell at last, the mage spoke, his voice quiet but hoarse from a lifetime of breathing smoke and ash. “In a lifetime of practicing the Art, one will sometimes find oneself in circumstances that were unplanned for, unaccounted for. Even a master Magus can be caught off guard. And in those moments, you will not have time to scribe a circle of warding, you will not have breath to incant the thirty verses of blessing, and you will not have the presence of mind to utilize seven unseen servants to rend your enemies limb from limb. But you will have this.” He turned partially away, and with a swiftness and economy of movement demonstrating decades of practice, traced a complex pattern and flung out his empty hand, speaking the rough syllables of the true name of flame. The ball of fire flickered into existence already in motion, traced a swift arc and detonated midair a hundred yards away, briefly forming a red-orange sphere before winking out of existence. The hot wind of its explosion and implosion blew the youth’s hair back and forth, the youth rubbing his dazzled eyes.

“Agh! But – but why would I ever find myself in those circumstances in the first place? I want to learn to transmute lead into gold, to live forever, to enrich my family – not go into battle! A cannon could do it just as well or better!” The boy was shouting over the ringing in his ears.

“If you have found something worth finding, a lesser one will think it worth stealing. They won’t come to your door and knock, asking to purchase it. They will study you, they will hunt you, they will find the weakness in your guard, and they will murder you. It is a reality of the world – even among Arcanists, among the high Magisters themselves, you will find thieves. You must be prepared to defend yourself. And to defend yourself, you need a powerful ally. And the oldest ally of all people is Fire. Now, enough discussion. Attend!”

To the boy’s credit, while he did grumble softly, he did indeed attend. Within an hour, he had gained a fair grasp of the gestures for a simple hand-ball sized sphere of modest flame, and by midday had learned to speak the true name of fire without it catching within his throat. The youth was breathing heavily as the Arcanist gently helped him apply a healing ointment to his burned fingers, showing him how to wrap them lightly in clean cotton bandages in a way that wouldn’t hinder their motion. The boy cleared his singed throat, and rasped a question. “I didn’t really mean to... to demean, Arcanist. But couldn’t it be done in more a more elegant way? Fire is simply the reaction of excited elements, full of energy, given something to eat and air to breath. One need not…” He made a vague impression of the throwing gesture, mindfully NOT making any motions with his stinging fingers.

Waldbrand nodded approvingly. “That’s a fair question. And I’ll acknowledge it – you’re right, it need not be so…” he mimicked the boy’s throwing motion. “It is known - it’s a coarse spell, a workman’s spell. The magician’s hammer. And some of my brethren have an artisan’s pride, and love to use and demonstrate their fifty different hammers without considering that they don’t look particularly different or interesting to one who isn’t versed in the intricacies.” He indicated a line of wooden effigies down the range, archery or javelin targets on days when conventional martial training was occurring here. “The third one from the left will be our subject – and the third one alone. Attend.”

Drawing a wooden stylus from his robes, he knelt and scribed a neat block of pictograms in the ashy soil. “Don’t concern yourself with memorizing the details of this example, but take note – like any other spell, we work in specifics, and we set hard limitations. Fire is our ally, but the hunger of Fire inspires it to find any weakness in the invocation, so it may eat more. Our distance….” He extends his arm and raises his thumb, gauging the effigy against it. “…85 yards. We only wish to affect a single man, so we restrict our spell to our target alone, not to a point in space or an area, so he may not simply leap out. We invoke the flame for only as long as we need to kill, and dismiss it after – mind that! If you fail to dismiss the flame it WILL persist as long as the fuel allows whether you will it or not. Are there any other factors I may wish to control?”

“…Something to encase the radiant heat, so that the other ones aren’t also set alight, Arcanist…?” the boy offered uncertainly, smiling despite himself at the rough man’s sharp nod of approval. “Absolutely correct. We add that in the same verse where we define the target. In this way our called Fire stays contained where we bid it, and nowhere else.”

Waldbrand’s knees creaked as he rose back to his feet, and he dusted himself off. He reviewed his work again, and then incanted, the unnatural syllables flowing fast and fierce, embers and sparks following each arcane word and spilling over his asbestos apron. They were accompanied by movements almost like a dance, each phrase having its companion motion, which made the ashen old man seem for a moment nonetheless like a living flame himself. And eighty five yards away, precisely as the final gesture concluded, the archery target was wrapped in hungry fire, fire that burned white with its intensity yet didn’t roar or radiate heat. It glowed for about one and a half minutes, before winking out with a peculiar gasp as air rushed in to fill the empty space where the target still stood, but now was only thin sticks of charcoal and ash that tumbled upward with the hot air that was finally free to escape.

The boy made a satisfied nod, as if he himself had cast the spell. “That’s more like it! It’s neat, it’s efficient, it’s a proper spell!” He coughed, his seared throat still rough, and took a careful sip from the waterskin Waldbrand offered him. “Yes, that it is, boy. Now setting aside the one we just burned, nine men still stand there, and ah – they each have a bow. They mean to kill you, I dare say. You have…. Ten seconds before they’ll be close enough to have a sure shot. Deal with them elegantly.”

“What? Deal with-“

“Nine. Eight.”

Klaren drew forth his own stylus and quickly knelt to the dusty ground, trying to scribe something similar to the Waldbrand’s spell as the magister counted down, but had hardly completed a line before the arcanist kicked dirt over it. “You’re dead. Rise. Again. Ten seconds, defend yourself from them.” This time the boy managed two lines before Waldbrand placed a booted foot on his shoulder and casually kicked him over. “You’re dead. Again.” The third time an arrow of hardened smoke buried itself in the middle of his scribing on the ten count, dangerously close to his hands. “Again, dead man! Defend yourself!” Each time the youth’s work grew more frantic, and each time the consequence for his failure was rougher, till the boy was clearly growing panicked, even genuinely frightened. “I can’t do it! There’s not enough time!”

“You’ll defend yourself or you’ll die here, boy! No gold, no immortality, just another dead fool in the dirt! I’ll burn you into ash myself if you don’t, mark my words! Now CAST, mage!” Waldbrand’s eyes were flame and the heat of his body was raising a whirlwind of smoke and ash. In the eyes of his young student, he had all the seeming of a fire-devil, and the boy fell backwards, scrabbling away. “No! No, please!” And in his panic, without even really thinking about it, he whipped his hand forth, a complex gesture clumsily spelled out in his blistered fingertips, and tumbled forth the true name of Fire, the rough syllables smoking as they escaped, and an angry red sphere burst into existence, wrapping itself around Arcanist Waldbrand and exploding with ferocity that rebounded off the distant walls of the canyon again and again. The boy cringed on the ground, trembling, fearful to look up in the silence that followed, broken only by soft footsteps approaching.

“Well cast, young mage,” the man said hoarsely, placing a hand lightly on his shoulder. “Well cast.” The boy trembled as he looked up at Waldbrand, unburnt, ashen, dusty and gaunt and yet still somehow wrapped with potential light and heat and flame all at once. Klaren finally saw him for the full fledged arcanist he was, instead of a self-important old firecaller. “Forgive my theatrical approach. Fire tends to call to artistic souls,” he chuckled like two scraping rocks, before coughing and spitting. He helped the youth back to his feet, lending him an arm to stay steady. “In your time as a practitioner of the Art, you’ll no doubt learn many different spells, of all sorts. Not all of us become so tightly wound up with one aspect, like my brethren and I. But if you learn any one spell from me, let it be that one.” They began to walk towards the gates of the range, where distant, heavily shielded barracks and stables awaited. “You can depend on it. There’s a time for elegance, and a time for precision, and a time for efficiency. But for simple problems like ‘that man intends to stab me with a sword, right now’ a simple solution is the best. Learn it to the bone.”

“It didn’t do much against you, Arcanist,” the boy said, glancing sidelong at his teacher.

“No, that it did not.” The old man grinned. “Fire may be your ally, but it’s my friend. It loves me better.” The lad scoffed. “And also, I wouldn’t be much of a teacher if I hadn’t been warding both of us to hellfire and back this entire time – I could never allow real harm to come to you in training.” He spoke a word of unbinding, and the exhausted boy stumbled as he felt the weightless weight of unseen protections suddenly lift, like his entire body somehow skipped a beat. He hadn’t been aware at all.

“What about other wizards? Would it work on them?”

“I said it’s for simple problems, and no wizard has ever been called ‘simple.’ Some much less than others. If I ever found myself confronted by that insane geomatriarch who did in Nabjak the Vile, for instance, I’d just run, or give her what she came for and call it good enough if I remained intact.”

“Geomatriarch…?” Klaren repeated slowly, rolling the unfamiliar term around in his mouth. “Is she so strong?”

“From 'geometry'. And Hell if I know. But that one, she’s definitely complicated, and I don’t feel like being lectured at about how stupid fireballs are by someone who also knows spells that can unravel you alive like a worn out piece of knitting while she lectures. Whatever she came for, she can have the damned thing, it isn’t worth the hassle. Now let’s get you home and cleaned up before your lordly parents discover what a mess I’ve made of you, young mage.”

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"Monster who realizes dreams" -Making Up Monsters https://www.tumblr.com/making-up-monsters/774642900081459200/monster-person-528


The people tied to my dining room chairs stared at me with assorted rage, fear, resignation, the cloth napkins stuffed in their mouths barely containing their pleading and shouts of defiance. I sighed. "I don't know why you all hate me so badly. I haven't done anything to anyone. You're in this situation by your own free will."

When they had arrived to kill me a few minutes before, I had simply stated what I knew to be true: they were going to gag each other, tie each other in ropes, sit down and then wait for me to finish tying all the loose ends. And they had. Now the two women and their companion were glaring at me as if I somehow bore some responsibility for this.

I chose the older-looking of the two to be the spokesperson for the group, and tugged her gag down. "So what were you trying to accomplish here today?" 

"I don't have anything to say to you, murderer!" 

What a headache. 

"God, you people just don't understand the power of positive thinking. Hey. Buddy. Hey, you." The man looked up at me, his gaze snapping frantically between myself and his friends. "I'm sorry you have to find out this way, but your heart is going to stop in five seconds." I didn't command it; I didn't wish it; I didn't demand it; I simply knew it, the same way I knew the sun will go down every night. And what I know to be true is always true. 

He jerked and shook a few heartbeats later- is that in poor taste?- a few moments later, before sagging in his chair and slumping forward. The women began to scream - the one who wasn't gagged, anyway. I almost told her that she would gag herself again, but I stopped short - the ambiguity of the phrasing allowed for some unpleasant possibilities and I didn't want to see anything gross that evening. I sighed again and just rode it out, letting them get it out of their system. 

I sat down on a fourth chair, straddling it backwards and resting my arms on the seatback youth pastor style, 90s Anti-Drug PSA style. "So. One more time. What were you hoping to accomplish here tonight?" 

"Fuck you!!!" she growled, and I groaned. "We are going to be here all NIGHT at this rate. Your body is no longer capable of absorbing oxygen." I replaced the gag and left her to figure out what that meant, and turned my attention to the last person - she shook her head violently as I reached to pull her gag down, but I shushed her. "Relax." 

"We were here to steal your powers and kill you! At least kill you! I'm sorry we were wrong we were wrong!" She babbled it rapid fire, laying out their plan, their motivation, their whole deal. The other woman was beginning to take deeper and deeper breaths, grunting with alarm as it didn't seem to "'work". 

I'm afraid I laughed. It was just so ridiculous. 

"You did all that when all you had to do is read the Secret?! God!"

She stared at me with confusion, which turned to horror as she saw her friend's complexion going purple, heading to blue. "You're killing her!" 

I sniffed. "I'm not doing a damn thing. Things just happen when you let negativity control you, that's why it's so important to keep a positive mindset."

"Someone's going to kill you, you bitch! You monster! Somebody!" the woman sobbed, and I smiled. 

"Nice try, but you only want that to be true." The older woman now sat slumped in her chair, dead, unconscious, whatever. I turned the younger woman's face to mine, my long nails pressing sharply into her cheeks, and leaned closer.

"It doesn't mean anything if you don't believe." 

Malice

Jan. 29th, 2025 10:06 pm
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Malice. Malice, greatest offspring of the dreaded hell-kite Spite, and considered to be the last true heir of the legendary wyrm Hatred, the Hatred that had burned the realm to ash, whose rage had raised this mountain range in what had once been gently rolling hills. Hatred's last grandchild Malice, supposedly slain hundreds of years ago, the heroes who had laid him low immortalized in song.

Aluin had first heard the name (outside of song) as a squire, seated beside his knight-master Rowena in a sleeping hall in a wet little mountain town, listening to a bandaged, ill woman rave. A miner, she had been found collapsed on the road out of the heights, feverish, filthy, covered in wounds, with broken ribs and arms. She'd been searching for a seam of silver, and found what she thought was an abandoned wyrm-lair, the largest she'd ever heard of, with coins driven into the muddy floors, melted by the dragon's breath into rivulets of gold that had flowed between cracks in the stone. But it hadn't been abandoned at all. She'd seen a dragon, green fading into black, wings ruined and tangled by a harpoon and chain, eyes that were white and blind. A dragon longer than a hundred feet that lunged out of the darkness to eat her screaming mule in three quick snaps, the animal's jerking legs kicking and sending the miner off of the path, falling into the chasm below.

"It was Malice, oh Redeemer protect me, it was old Malice of the stories. He yet lives, oh, he lives...!" she had cried, grasping at his master's sleeves, her wide eyes unfocused, trapped in her terrified memory.

She had spent days crawling up from the rocks where she had fallen, until she had managed to reach the path again and stumble her way towards town, where she had finally been found earlier that day. The knight and her squire had been called to hear her story, once the healer had done what he could to comfort the woman, who looked to be on death's door.

His knight-master had sworn to deal with the threat immediately, though she confided to Aluin that she thought it likely just some mere hell-kite that had taken up residence in a mineshaft. Rowena had confidently led a group of volunteers up the pass, following the path the miner had described till they found what looked like the place. There she'd had them lay black powder charges and put the torch to it just as the thing began to emerge from the shadows, detonating the entrance and trapping the worm within, where it could harm no one. The beast had been heard screeching within and scratching at the rubble for weeks, but eventually went silent. That had been more than fifteen years ago.

Aluin's master was long dead, catching a crossbow bolt through the visor of her helm in some meaningless battle over a meaningless square of land in a meaningless duchy leagues from their homes. Aluin had been elevated to knighthood himself, though he hadn't done much with it. He was ostensibly on errantry, on a mission to visit every corner of the Realm while searching for wrongs to right, but in practice he had mainly found himself imposing on small villages and landowners, making a nuisance of himself, too dangerous to throw out the door but too insignificant to take seriously. That's how he'd found himself lurking in the smoky, dim common room of this forest village inn at the foot of the hills. It was too small to even have a name - it was simply 'the inn.' The only one for miles. He had been the subject of whispered conversation initially, but after a few days interest had faded, talk returning to normal concerns. That was when he heard the name again.

"Found ten deer dead in the glen. Not even eaten, just... just rent to pieces and left there. Damnable Malice will be the death of the Wood."

The name jerked him out of his revery, and he snapped to alertness, to see three woodsman talking quietly near the hearth. "Pray say that again, neighbor - what did you find?" He said, putting on an appearance of amiability and rising to join the men, who looked at him with discomfort.

"Oh, ah, it's... I found some deer, Sir. Looks like they were killed by some beast," the man said. He was shorter than the others, but they seemed to defer to him, nodding in support. "I was sure I heard you say 'Malice,' neighbor - I know that name," Aluin said, pressing for a little more. "That beast is meant to be dead."

"I'm sure you're right, of course, Sir, but.. there are some who have seen it, and they describe it so: green that becomes black, crawling on broken wings, dragging chains... It had the breastplate and ribs of a knight speared and tangled in it's horns." That last detail wasn't in any song. The only other person who had spoken of that was the miner, who had died of her injuries shortly after his master had rode off to seal the dragon away. Aluin felt a chill run through him, but pushed the feeling down. "Have you found this sort of scene before?"

"For maybe... three summers now?" he raised his voice to a questioning tone, and one of the other men mumbled a confirmation of, "Aye, three summer at least." Aluin bit his lower lip thoughtfully and nodded. "Well, whether it's a beast of legend, or just a common wyvern, we can't have the monster running roughshod through the King's Wood, mm? I won't ask you to guide me to where you found the deer, but perhaps if I drew a map, you could show me a path...?" The man, who had clearly been dreading the thought of being pressed into service, visibly relaxed and nodded. "Of course, Sir knight, of course. Happy to."

Letting the men guide his hand, Aluin drew an ink sketch of the area - not a terrible drawing, but he had never been more than acceptable at drafting and surveying. Centered on the village, the forest stretched for miles to the north and south, following the mountains, except for one spur which followed a stream into a canyon, rising up in a narrow back and forth twist into the peaks itself. The slaughtered animals had been found in a glen near that canyon. Aluin realized with discomfort that that mountain town he'd been in all those years ago was fairly close on the opposite side of the peaks - he marked it with an x.

"I'll be leaving in the dark, so that I can begin tracking in the light tomorrow. Advise your fellows to stay away from the foothills until I return," he advised the man, assuming that if he listened, the others would do the same.

"And if you, ah... do not return?"

Aluin grinned mirthlessly at the man. "Then stay away from the hills forever, neighbor. If it can kill a knight, it can kill you as well, and more easily. Move away and learn to farm." The woodsman had looked ill at Aluin's jest, shaking his head and muttering in a troubled fashion as he hurried away to spread the word.


The knight slept lightly, and rose only a few hours after midnight, stepping silently into the stable and saddling his horse himself rather than wake the poor stablehand sleeping in the straw. He grunted with effort as he lifted himself astride the animal, feeling the weight of his mail more than he had in a long time - he hadn't needed to wear it for more than ceremony in quite some time. He was glad of it, though, considering it a talisman against harm even if it wouldn't do him much good against something that could eat livestock whole, or burn him into greasy ashes. His sword was belted at his waist, and his worn old kite shield was strapped across his back, and he had a bundle of rough harpoons resting in the lance cup - all of them hastily modified pruning hooks and limb saws. He wasn't intending to joust the beast if he did happen to cross paths, honor be damned.

He rode slowly in the moonlight that filtered through the branches, letting his horse choose her steps carefully through the wooded path, trusting the animal to make the best choice for their steps as he chose the general direction. As they'd ridden, he'd listened carefully to the sounds of the knight. Owls. Shrews. A pack of wolves, thankfully distant. The buzzing of insects, the choir of frogs. Occasionally he would hear a branch snap, and see the glowing eyes of a deer looking back at him, the moonlight seeming even brighter in it's eyes. If he hadn't been paying such close attention, he might not have noticed as the sounds grew muted, and then fell into a near silence - a kind of breath-held stillness that reminded him of the moments before a battle began, or a storm erupted. It wasn't peaceful, but tense. In that tension, the sudden smell of death slapped him in the face, and he coughed, drawing a rag from his saddlebags and tying it over his face for a rough mask. He'd reached the glen.

Dawn hadn't yet broken, but the lightening sky was enough for him to take in the carnage. The woodsman back in the village hadn't exaggerated - if anything, he had shown considerable restraint in his assessment of the scene. A herd of at least fifteen deer had been... he wasn't sure "slaughtered" was the word for it. They had been torn into pieces by something monstrously large and terrifyingly fast, that had rent them with massive teeth and claw but eaten little, leaving parts strewn for yards in all directions. It was... brutality for brutality's own sake, as near as he could tell, not the act of a hungry animal. The dragon was lashing out at anything it could get it's teeth into.

The only sound beyond the breathing of himself and his animal was a constant, omnipresent buzzing of flies, which rose up in black clouds as he dismounted, gritting his teeth to keep from retching as he waved them away and walked slowly to the center of the glen. The grass was sticky with blood. It was horrifyingly similar to walking through a battlefield after the enemy had gone, retrieving any who lived. But here, nothing lived. "Mercy, protect me," he breathed, his first prayer in more years than he could remember. He had found a track.

It had taken a moment to understand that it was a track - it was more than two feet wide, claws like daggers pressed more than a foot into the soft earth, tearing furrows a yard long - he realized there were more, and deer track as well. In his mind, he thought he could recreate the scene of the beast's attack.

The wyrm had erupted from between the trees... there. It had forced them aside so violently that they'd been ripped partway from the earth, their roots exposed. Then, it had charged the deer in the clearing, and struck them so violently that some had been thrown to the ground. It had killed... a doe, here, then a young buck - velvet still on the antlers - then two more does. On and on, following each animal as it had attempted to flee, catching each one with dizzying speed, scattering it. And then... he followed a trail of crushed, smeared grass that seemed to have had some massive form dragged over it. And then it had crawled back into the trees, in the direction of the canyon he'd drawn on the map. Towards the mountains above.

Sunlight was beginning to paint the tops of the trees as it crested the eastern horizon, the coolness of night already promising to fade into a warm morning. But Aluin felt cold to his very bones, almost too weak to stand. He was afraid. He was terrified. His breathing was growing faster, and he thought of a dozen different lies he could tell the people of the village when he rode back through. Or maybe he could simply pass the village by and leave them to assume he had died. It would all be the same. No one would ever have to know. No one outside of these woods ever needed to know what he had seen. He gave a shuddering breath. Trembling, he mounted his horse with difficulty, clutching the saddlehorn to keep steady. Then he gave her a light tap with his heels, setting her on a course across the glen.

Towards the mountains.

If he moved now, the trail looked fresh enough that he could still follow it - if he delayed, it might get disturbed. He couldn't afford to lose this monster. Every atom of his body screamed to flee, but... he wasn't sure how he could ever face Rowena in the next world if he fled in the face of a beast she had ridden out to meet almost cheerfully.


The sounds of the forest didn't return even after the stink of death had been left far behind. The very few creatures he saw were furtive and shy, rodents moving silently through the underbrush, or birds flitting from tree to tree in short, scared dashes. He wanted to do the same - go to ground and hide, hide till this horrid presence was gone. Instead he pressed on, till the sun was high overhead. At a certain point the terrain grew too rough to proceed mounted, so he climbed back to the ground and unsaddled the horse, leaving her untethered. He wasn't one of those saintly knights who seemed to speak with their horses, but he and the animal knew each other well enough that he trusted her to wait here for him for at least a day or two - or to run like the wind if the wyrm came down the trail instead of him. He didn't feel like tying her to a tree and guaranteeing her death just to be sure he didn't have to walk home.

As Aluin hiked the rough, rocky wildlands, he saw more and more evidence of the creature, which hid its presence less and less - nearing it's lair, he imagined. Trees torn from the ground and tossed aside like weeds, massive stones shattered into splinters, a broad trail littered with occasional ragged scales. He stopped to pick one up, holding it up to the light. While it was rough and scratched, the color beneath was breathtaking - a green darker than a leaf in a moonless forest night. It transitioned ever so slightly lighter near the end than at the root - he was quite sure now that this was definitely the dragon of the song, now. It was just as it said - clad in armor of midnight leaves. Either the real beast or it's offspring. Either way, it needed to be put down. If it was venturing so close to villages and acting out so cruelly to mere animals, it was only a matter of time before it began to kill people. And its cruelty to thinking beings would be worse, since it was people that had mutilated it before. It had to die.

The trees - those that hadn't been snapped or otherwise destroyed - thinned as he climbed higher, and he realized he could smell something different - a sharp, sulfurous reek. It was similar to that of a wyvern's nest, but magnitudes stronger. He followed the scent like a bloodhound, moving swiftly but silently, carefully balancing his harpoons on his shoulder so they didn't clatter against his shield. He was grateful he wasn't in plate - not only would it have been a special hell to climb here in it, but the clatter would have announced his presence hours before he arrived. He froze as he followed the dragon-stink around a tall rock, and found himself staring into a long, dark passage. The cave they had blocked up on the peak must have been part of a greater system. The beast had found a way out.

This is stupid. This is stupid, and I shouldn't be here. I'm going home. I'm renouncing my knighthood and going home to become a monk. Stepping as carefully and silently as he could, he began to make his way into the darkness.

The cave was about fifteen feet wide, but tall, with a ceiling high above - a wide crack that ran into the heart of the mountain. Water dripped constantly from the stone above, and Aluin paused to rummage through his backpack, retrieving his flint and a sturdy little tin oil lamp. He struck a spark to it, wincing at the scrape of the stone against the rough steel, but the dragon didn't immediately come charging out of the darkness. So there was that, at least. He kept the flame as low as he could without risking it guttering out, and proceeded further, feeling as though the world shrank to a dim, wavering orange circle a few feet around as he did.

The stones of the cave floor beneath were raw stone and slick mud, sometimes black and shiny with wet mildew. Fresh white scratches he been made into the stones, though, dozens and dozens of times - years of Malice's hunts. Sometimes the wyrm seemed to have been taken with a fury, and the gouges grew deeper, carving ragged furrows that were inches deep into the living rock. Holding his light high, he realized they went higher than his dim lamp could show, perhaps all the way up to the ceiling above. He had to clench his jaw to stop from shivering, the lamp trembling in his hand. He didn't understand how any of the heroes in the stories could have challenged dragons so bravely - it was he could do not to sprint down the hills, screaming. He did almost scream, in fact, when he took his next step while still looking up, and found his boot crunching through the skeletal chest cavity of some long dead cadaver. His chest heaved and he breathed hard through his nose, mouth clamped shut because the moment he started to scream he knew it wouldn't end. He had seen death before - oh, he had seen so much - but here under the earth, it felt different, worse. This poor soul would never see light again. He swallowed bile as he wrenched his foot free, and leaned heavily against the wall to clam his pounding heart before he - carefully watching his step - continued.

The ceiling of the cave eventually grew lower, the crack narrowing and taking sudden surprising turns, climbing steadily into the darkness. The dripping water formed a thin stream that flowed and pooled, and sometimes Aluin felt small living things in the water when he had to step through it. The sound of the water splashing in little falls created echoes, so many that he couldn't tell if they were above or below, behind or before him. It came as a surprise then when he so carefully heaved himself up over a ledge, and found himself on the edge of a much larger chamber. Holding the lamp high, he stepped gingerly within, willing his eyes to perceive every detail of the darkness. The floor seemed to be made of round little stones, here, slathered in mud. But when he nudged a few of them together with his toe, they made a muted, soft clink. It was... coin. Coins! He stood in the hoard!

It wasn't as marvelous as the hoard of Spite was described to be. He could see rough, vaguely humanlike forms that might have been statues, but they were blackened by flame, smashed into limbless, headless remains. The fine tapestries on the walls were rags, and the gold, the gold had been trampled into the mud, or blasted and melted into heaps of rough slag. It was a ruin. Still...

As he reached down, thinking to pocket at least one or two pieces of gold, he felt some subtle change in the air. The scent of dragon, which he had grown numb too, was suddenly fresh and sharp, almost nauseatingly powerful as it filled his nose and lungs. He straightened carefully, so carefully. Dimming his lantern till the wick within flickered desperately, struggling to stay lit, he let his other senses extend. A whisper, a hiss of.. iron against stone, tile sliding against tile - scales. the deep, powerful breaths of an unbelievably immense creature. The almost inaudible rumble of each footstep, which reverberated through the stone and up through his feet. He could feel it, feel it stalking. Malice was approaching. He held still, clenching his jaw tightly as he felt a sudden heat - a heat coming from behind him. He had been followed into the cave, hunted even while he thought himself the hunter. Oh, Justice, please protect your foolish servant.

Malice crawled up over the ledge he had crested himself a few moments before, and he peeked over his shoulder as the dragon - so hard to see in the dim light, a shadow among the shadows - craned it's massive head back, and then forth again, a long tongue tasting the air. It's blind eyes were white, wide open in the dark. It spoke, which was such a shock that it nearly set him running. "You hide, then...? Good, rabbit, hide... I will dig you out, dig you out..." it was whispering to itself, but as big as it was it's voice rumbled like a drum. "Crack your ribs open and stuff you with rotten deer, leave you to hang, to age, yes..." The dragon finished crawling out of the tunnel, the chains piercing it's shredded, ruined wings jangling as they dragged across the stone. Malice used its broken wings like a third set of legs, and crawled forward through the chamber, the hot scales of its belly almost brushing the top of Aluin's head as it passed. Gods above and below, the thing was immense - the idea that this monster had once flown was astonishing. It's tail swayed as it moved on into the dark, and Aluin realized he'd been holding his breath the whole while, letting it out as slowly as he could as he felt the vibrations moving farther. His heart was pounding as hard as it had in any battle - he might not live long enough for the dragon to kill if this went on too long. He retrieved his lamp, and began to increase the flame, recalling those blind eyes. The little knob to adjust the wick creaked slightly.

It was only a moment of intuition that kept him from dying immediately. The dragon was on him in less than a heartbeat, it's head - half the size of an entire horse - darting back out of the darkness and snapping where he had been a fraction of a second before. Malice's jaws crashed shut on a pile of coins while Aluin bolted, running madly into the dark, acutely aware of his breathing, kicking piles of coins with each step. The monster screamed - a scream full of pure, distilled hatred. This thing wouldn't simply kill him, when it caught him, it would make him beg for it. Desperately, Aluin tossed his harpoons to the side, shrugging his shield off of his back and grabbing the edge. He came to a sudden halt, and heaved it as hard as he could to the side, closing his eyes briefly in prayer - if this didn't work, he didn't want to see what was to come. He heard the shield spinning in the silence before clattering into a mountain of detritus, and the dragon changed course, smashing into it and raging about. Aluin went to the floor, crawling silently back to his harpoons, freezing each time the thrashing beasts tail swung pash him - the tip moving so fast he feared it might strike his head cleanly off. He'd look just like one of the ruined statues, then. The thought gave him pause, and he realized he had... not a strategy, but maybe a desperate hope that could pass for one.

The dragon had risen from the heap of treasure it had been rampaging in, and in a fury vomited gouts of flame that hit the ceiling and spread like a wave to every corner of the chamber. The ragged remains of every tapestry burst into flame, ash and smoke stinging Aluin's lungs as he prepared a spear. He stood with his back to one of the statues. one that might have been a marble knight long ago - in it's rough broken hand it still clutched a stone spear of its own. Aluin swallowed, and dropped a few coins to the floor, watching the beast whirl to face him. He was startled by how beautiful it was in the firelight, even in it's wounded state. He had been a stupid fool to dream that he could defeat this creature.

Malice roared, its hatred shaking the foundations of the earth, and lunged with speed that was almost impossible to believe. Aluin readied his harpoon as the opened jaws raced towards him, and then collapsed to the ground beneath at the last second, letting the dragon lunge past, jaws open wide - and scream in agony as it impaled its soft upper palette on the broken stone spearman. Gouts of boiling-hot blood poured out, splashing on Aluin's face, causing him to scream in his own agony as his left eye went dark. With all the strength he could summon, he gripped his harpoon and plunged it upwards into Malice's throat, the creature's cries of agony bubbling and gurgling as blood flooded it's lungs. It rose up, crying out its defiance before collapsing to the floor, stones falling from the ceiling from the shock.

Aluin groaned as he rolled away from Malice, drawing his sword and watching the dragon's warily before approaching nearer. It struggled to breath, bubbles frothing from the corners of its open mouth and the wound in its throat. It's head rested on the cave floor, eyes half shut, staring at nothing. "Filthy insect..." it wheezed. "Every one of your kind... will burn..."

The knight carefully walked past the twitching claws, steeling his nerves as he stepped within the dragon's reach, placing a hand lightly on its hot scales. The creature shuddered, and he marveled at the way the motion made the scales shimmer in the dwindling flames. He suddenly realized that part of him would always feel shame for what he had done this day, necessary though it might have been. "Your pain will be over in a moment, king of the skies."

Malice snarled its hatred, kicking ineffectually with one of it's hindlegs before shuddering again. "You... will never know peace... insect. Forever, I curse..." it rasped. Aluin nodded solemnly. "If that is how it must be, then it shall be so. I hold no grudge against you. Rest, now, sky king." He placed the tip of his sword against a crack between two of the dragon's breastplate scales, and slid it home as swiftly as he could in his wounded state. The pitiful creature stiffened, and he hissed as its internal furnace heated the blade to red hot, burning the impression of the grip into his palms - a final rebuke. Then it began to cool, and coils of oily smoke leaked past the guard, the beast finally relaxing fully to the cave floor. It was over.

In the silence that followed, he considered taking some kind of proof that the wyrm was slain, but the thought of mutilating the dragon further than it already had been made him nauseous. He settled for collecting a scale from the ground, holding it in trembling hands and offering a deep bow to the slain dragon. "Rest well." His voice echoed in the silence. He didn't leave until it had faded completely.


Songs about the slaying of the great Malice came eventually to include a final movement wherein a nameless stranger arrived after the knights who first wounded it, who taught the dragon the virtues of Justice and escorted the dragon to the next world with kindness and grace. He is identified only by being blind in his left eye, his face scarred with burns, while his right eye is an incredibly dark green, shading into black.

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I was at a university library when there was a terrorist attack. but the terrorists were fairies that were possessing people's bodies and attacking with magic. mostly this looked like throwing debris and glass everywhere. I was rushing around trying to get people out of the building and off campus.

I left the area and tried to see what was going on outside, but ended up getting confronted by a lot of them. I tried to confuse them by counting by weird intervals (13s? 17s) but it didn't work. Woke up before they could cut me with glass.

Heelbiters

Jan. 23rd, 2025 08:08 pm
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"I'm telling you there's something DIFFERENT about these goblins!" shouted the youth, his eyes desperate as he looked from face to face with the rest of the party. He had been hired to pick locks and snoop - not for battle strategy. But after their third bloody encounter with this goblin band, which had ended with the pompous wizard dead, drowning in his own blood with a goblin crossbow bolt in his throat, someone had to say it. "They... they aren't stupid. They're playing us!"

The fighting woman snorted with disgust, spitting with in the direction the band of little freaks had retreated. "Coward. They're goblins. Just nut up and fight instead've hiding in a tree or whatever the hell you were doing last time. Coriander might still be alive if you had been there." 

The boy could see that the rest of the group seemed to be more or less on the same page - some looking at him with open contempt, the elven priestess with something like pity. Her white robes were dotted with blood - in the last sortie numerous small darts had been thrown at her as she tried to approach the dying mage to heal him. 

"Please, my child, do not surrender to fear. Our group has triumphed over much worse odds, time and again... these small fiends pose little true threat." Her eyes were wide, pupils enormous - even for an elf, something seemed off, her speech slurred slightly. Oh gods, he thought. They put something on the darts.

"They flanked us! They isolated the wizard, disabled him, and used him as bait! That's not 'goblin mob', that's tactics! Please, please - look at her! We need to withdraw, we need to-" He broke off, hearing a twig snap. They were being watched. The fighter followed his gaze to the underbrush, where suddenly a little figure began to loudly flee, laughing nastily and scuttling through dead leaves. 

"You'll die for what you've done to my friend!" she roared as she tore headlong after it, ignoring the boy's cries to let it go. The twin rangers looked at him with disgust before they moved to follow, hastening when her distant footfalls became a crash of collapsing wood and stone, her shouted challenges become shrieks of agony. No sounds of battle followed - the screaming simply continued, cries for help, for rescue, echoing through the unnaturally silent wood. 

"I must help her," The elf said dreamily, turning slowly in that direction and taking a wobbly step before he caught her wrist. 

"Lady - no, sister. Sister. Please. Please, don't." He placed himself between her and the woods beyond. "It is a trap, and she is the bait. Our comrades have been killed. We need. To leave. We need to leave, now. Please, believe me." He looked directly in her gleaming eyes that looked through him, beyond him, imploring her silently to see his sincerity, to understand their situation. He swallowed, and tried to look as young and frightened as a human child (a child in the eyes of an elf, anyway) could look. "Sister, I'm scared...!"  

It finally seemed to reach her, and she shook her head as if to clear cobwebs. Her voice, while still slurred, regained a bit of clarity. "...yes. I will escort you to safety. I will return with aid." 

As they began to withdraw, as quickly as the youth could guide the unsteady priestess, he felt his skin crawl with the sensation of being watched, a dozen ugly little chuckles drifting around him. When the fighter's distant screams suddenly peaked and cut off, the two of them began to run. 

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Meghana the Magnificent and Olivine the Extravagant watched the revelers outside the tavern window as they sipped beers, smiling at all the small people waving banners and noisemakers, getting into trouble. An ocean of goblins of every sort had flooded into the city, emerging from seemingly every hole, crack, and treestump to join the parade, which had gone on for two days now. The tavern door was barred, and a bored dwarf sat half asleep in a chair beside it, to make sure that the party stayed outside, and the big people patrons weren't disturbed. "I wish Goblin Week could last forever," Meg sighed wistfully, the round little wizard laughing as a trio of short creatures climbed on top of a barrel opposite the window to get above the throng, only for it to tumble over a moment later. Goblins immediately began to roll it down the street. "It's the best week of the year." Olivine blinked, though, tipping back his pointed hat and adjusting his glasses to peer harder. "*Are* those goblins? They look like gnomes, from here."

"Goblin is not a species," declared Meg with a tone of great authority. "Goblin is a size category. Every little guy out there is a goblin." Olivine laughed, and shook his head. "That's totally false, but please, go on!" He bowed his head slightly, gesturing graciously, in a 'the floor is yours' manner, grinning.

Meg nodded, equally gracious, clearing her throat. "Thank you," she began, then took a long drink. "Goblin is a diverse category, containing many different varieties of little guy. None of these varieties resemble each other except for being 'a little weird guy'; rather, they resemble larger peoples, which leads us to our goblin guideline, that being: Everything small is just the small version of something big." She slid her mug into the center of the table, and then slid an empty shotglass up beside it. "Gnome," she said, indicating the shotglass. "Elf," she continued, gesturing at the mug. "They both have: pointy ears; magical disposition; fondness for trees; long lives. Gnomes are elf goblins."

Olivine couldn't help laughing. "I'm sure the gnomes on the High Council would love to hear that. Then what about, about, ah, 'goblin' goblins? Like these friends," he said, gesturing to a pair of green youths who were watching them in turn through the glass, pantomiming Olivine chatting at the table with exagerated manners and laughing uproariously. "Oh man, they have my number."

"Orc and hobgoblin goblins, and hobgoblins are goblins of bugbears," Meg said decisively. She gestured to different goblin folks as they reveled around, interfering with the business of a knight who tried clumsily to weave through the crowd without being tripped or stepping on anyone. "Kobolds - the dog-looking sort, that kind - that's a goblin gnoll. Kobold - the shapely kind, with the big tails, that's - that's a draconian goblin - and draconians are the goblin of full size dragons."

"So some goblins are a sort of goblin's goblin."

"Precisely. Because of the goblin guideline. And the 'little fellow with a candle on his hat' kobolds are a type of fae, and that's a hole other bucket of worms, but they are also DEFINITELY goblins. Halflings are the goblins of humans, and dwarves..." She rubbed her chin thoughtfully before decisively stating, "Goblin of giants."

"Giants!" Olivine replied incredulously, looking around for any scandalized dwarves who might have overheard, but then paused, considering it. "That's not.. wait. Wait, I see it, I see it!" He sipped his beer thoughtfully, stunned by this revelation. "I might be a little drunk - this is beginning to make a kind of sense. So then what about humans?"

"The furtive pygmy, so easily forgotten..." Meg intoned with great solemnly, shrieking in protest when Oli tossed the last swallow left in the mug at her in reply. She held up her hands defensively, laughing. They were both distracted by a line of young human children running through the mob, delighting in being the tallest for just this once. "Humans are goblins too. We just get a bit bigger than the rest." She set a few coins on the table, and pulled a pair of wooden noisemakers from the pockets of her robe. She handed one to Olivine with a grin. "So what do you see we go out and join our goblin kin in celebration, hmm?"

They crept past the dwarf doorman, now fully asleep, and flung the door open, making their way out into the din, laughing at the shrieks of dismay as the chaotic goblin mob spilled into the tavern behind them.

"Goblin Week! Goblin Week! Goblin Week!!!"
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"Starship pilot who’s flying blind" - Make Up a Starship Pilot


The deep space vessel Long Stepper has external visual sensors, but they're all disabled by default within hours after leaving whatever berth the ship might have been at. The fact is, even when moving in system, the distances and speeds involved make looking out fairly pointless except to take in the view. If there's anything close enough to actually see nearby, the ship will either pass it or collide with it too quickly to respond. All of the ships real sensory business is done with radar, with tightly focused feeler beams, and with antennae listening in all directions for traces of other ships, of debris, of radiation. Everything is displayed neatly on screens for the crew.

Except that doesn't help anyone in the early stages of transition to high speed, since the entire crew at that point are puddles of red and yellow pastes filling their resurrection pods. And the pilot won't have functioning eyes again for months, once his body has been successfully rebuilt and his consciousness reinstalled in the wetware.

Long Stepper's pilot M Singh has tried many times to explain what the data feeds are like to others who haven't had their consciousness uploaded.

"It's like the information is related to me in the form of itches, someone drumming their fingers on my back, individual hairs being plucked. I guess? Like that. They wrote the software to hook into the simulated part of the brain that handles tactile information. So I don't use the sensors to 'look' outside the ship. Instead it's like, uh... Imagine each of your fingers was twenty thousand miles long and you were groping around a massive empty space, trying to find anything larger than a pea. And you have two thousand fingers, and they're all constantly in motion, so you can cover as much area as possible."

People just don't understand.

M Singh's visual receptors are more or less unused. He initially tried to stream entertainment programs or video games on his first trip, but stopped almost immediately - it was like having a screen the size of all creation directly in front of him, a little overwhelming. Now he prefers to spend his flights with his "eyes shut", simply turning that stream of information off.

He felt the "hairs" on the back of his "hand" rise up as the system clamored for his attention. One of the feelers had picked up on a small piece of debris that was near enough to the flight path to be a risk. After a moments consideration he initiated a series of micro burns which lasted only fractions of a second - but would result in flying forty kilometers wide of the debris in a few minutes. He could correct back to the initial path once Long Stepper was clear.

The ship AI notified him that he need not have bothered, it would have done so itself - and with considerably more efficiency.

Don't sulk, you'll have the entire rest of the trip to fly.

He placed a temporary mute on the channel before the inevitable reply that it was IMPOSSIBLE for it to sulk and that it was simply informing him blah blah blah.

He rechecked the course one more time. Two months of constant acceleration in the dark. Then once a stable speed has been reached, two weeks of regeneration for the entire crew. Then one week of all-hands activity to ensure all systems were operating perfectly, followed by three real-time years of working in month long shifts, each crew sleeping two months for each they worked. Eleven years time debt. He used the ships intercom to sigh, his digitally reproduced voice echoing through the empty passageways, and resolved to see what the job market looked like when they reached destination.

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"Starship pilot who HATES this part" - Make Up a Starship Pilot, Cohost, 2024


By law, all pilots had to have their consciousness imprinted into a digital backup. Ostensibly, this was to recover data from after an accident. But the reality of the situation was that it was necessary so they could resume piloting the ship as quickly as possible after the ship passed survivable rates of acceleration approaching light speed. All of the other unconcious crew members and passengers would simply die instantly and then slowly be rebuilt in the resurrection pods. But someone had to be conscious to make certain commands which legally couldn't be handled by the ship AI, even the advanced 'true' intelligences.

So the pilot stays awake. And dies. And reawakens about .65 seconds later. This is why pilots make the (alleged) big money vs navigators and other command staff. Not because they have unique skills, but as a minor compensation for having to endure this - sometimes several times in a trip.

M Singh has been a working pilot for four years now - closer to thirty years of time back home, thanks to time debts from near light travel. And in his four years he has gone through eightyseven jumps. And he was sure, so sure at the beginning, that it would get better after a while, that he would get used to it.

He has not.

This is pilot M Singh of the vessel Long Stepper. Control, I have reached safe transition distance. Is my departure vector clear?

All clear, Long Stepper. The road is all yours. Safe journey.

As he finished the final checks, his hands began to tremble, and the monitors in his combination resurrection/piloting module began to chirp alarms as his pulse spiked and his blood pressure dropped.

Long Stepper, beginning transition. In 3. 2. 1.

He took a shuddering breath, and gave the system the command through his uplink. The massive fusion engines flared into full life and he was immediately crushed under the weight of more gravity than any human body could endure. He would have screamed if his lungs hadn't already burst. Death came less than a second later.

Half a second later he returned to consciousness in his digital locker, the Long Stepper continuing to pile on gravities as it accelerated towards near light. Through metaphorically gritted teeth he forced himself to ignore the phantom sensation of pain from nerves that wouldn't be regrown for weeks, their last message to his brain echoing in the digital environment. Checking in on the rest of the crew and the passengers, he saw all had died, and their resurrection pods were in 'maintenance' mode, keeping the tissues preserved until the time came to begin repairing and jumpstarting the bodies. From their perspective, it would be like waking from a long sleep. None of them would remember dying.

He gave the go ahead to the ships systems to continue departure as planned, and "sat down" to his main responsibility - babysitting the computer until they left the inner solar system and it could be trusted to take over from there.

I hate this fucking job.

Mage Hands

Jan. 11th, 2025 01:12 pm
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"Berserker who was thrown out of magic school because "Smash It With Your Fists", while effective, is not traditionally considered "magic."" - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2023


"Maybe you should talk to someone before you go back. About your uh.. anger problem."

"I don't have an anger problem," the dwarf said, his voice tense. "I have a problem with people making me angry." He finished the sentence he was penning with a stab that crushed and ruined the tip of his quill, spattering ink all over the page, discarding it into a dented wastebin beside his writing table, filled with dozens of others, along with masses of crumpled, ruined vellum sheets.

"Most people don't get kicked out of the Magisterium for their temper, Theo!"

Theophrastus Bombastus turned to his companion, his face and smooth shaven head taking on a mottled red tone. "The MAGISTERIUM can go to-" his words halt suddenly, and he adjusted his small eyeglasses, his thick mustache trembling as he visibly calmed himself. "The Magisterium made a mistake. And after I show them my thesis, they will see that and acknowledge it and know what fools they've been." He gathered the pages of the thesis in question, a hefty stack of manuscript written in a heavy hand. Many Hands Make Light Work - New Applications of Mage Hand and Parallel Casting, Exploring the Unrivaled Utility of An Underappreciated Spell. Stuffing it into his satchel, he rose and donned his coat, the seams stretching audibly over his broad shoulders. "This will be my day of triumph. They'll remember this day for years."

...

Outside the Imperial Magisterium's Hall of High Magi, two guard-magi with spell-wreathed halberds barred the way, crossing their weapons before the massive brass doors. A page ran swiftly down the hall, crying out for more guards and somewhere in the distance a bell began to ring. "Move aside, fools. I have business inside." The dwarf glared at them.

"You aren't welcome here, Bombastus, and you know it," said the more senior guard, in a voice that only trembled a little. "If you leave now, there doesn't need to be any trouble. Like last time."

Theophrastus narrowed his eyes.

...

The Council of High Magi had only just noticed the sounds of commotion outside when the iron doors of their chambers were ripped off of the hinges by a pair of colossal spectral hands, crumpled like tin foil and hurled aside to smash the stone walls. Through the dust and falling rubble walked the dwarf, dragging the two battered, limp guardsmen by the collars before dropping them like a child who has tired of their dolls. "I have returned to your halls, my esteemed peers, to allow you to make right your great error of judgement. Grant me my status of Magus immediately. Once you read my thesis, I'm certain you'll see-"

"Magus?!" cried out one of the council. "You're no mage, Bombastus! One spell doesn't make a wizard! You were barely an apprentice - even my weakest students can manage a dozen cantrips!"

"Bombastus the one spell wonder!"

"Did you learn a new one? Power Word: Foot?"

The dwarf's brows furrowed and his little spectacles gleamed in the dim light of the chamber. A vein visibly throbbed on his bald scalp as he growled his reply through clenched jaws. "I am certain. You will see. The value of my research." He withdrew his thesis, and ghostly hands carried the bundle of paper to the highest of the High Magi. "I am achieving levels of parallel casting that NONE have before, and-"

The High Magus's hard voice cut him off. "You are exiled from these halls. Permanently, and with no hope of forgiveness. You will leave, and if you ever claim to be a Magus again you will be thrown into a deeper pit than any dwarven mine, and sealed within." The elf took his manuscript in hand, and with a contemptuous syllable, ignited the pages with a green flame, till they crumbled into ash. "Begone." The guards summoned earlier began to rush into the chamber, leveling their weapons at Theophrastus, who trembled.

The ghostly magehands floated beside him, clenched into fists. Then they were joined by a second pair. A third, a fourth. Countless mage hands, a mandala of potential violence. Theophrastus cracked his knuckles - thousands of them - and chaos erupted.

...

It took weeks to clear the rubble away. The destruction was worse than if an alchemical bomb had been detonated - the entire chamber of the High Magi had been torn down brick by brick by a thousand hands, all the way to the foundations, every fixture smashed into splinters, every timber snapped into kindling. By some miracle, not a single person was killed, but each member of the High Magi had the appearance of being trampled by a cattle stampede or caught in an avalanche, and the entire corps of guard magi was found beaten unconscious.

In the interest of saving face, no official word was ever spoken about the events of that day, beyond a vague announcement that the Magisterium were attacked by some unknown devil, who was defeated but managed to flee. No official arrest warrant was issued for the dwarf who tore a path of destruction like a tornado all the way to the city walls and disappeared into the hills. Theophrastus Bombastus has not been seen again.

Mage hand is no longer taught, as too many of the instructors grow ill at the sight of it.

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"This well dressed adventurer is a tailor, on their way to conquer the dungeon with style." - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2024


from the pages of Well-Dressed Warrior Weekly

This season armor is out. But that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice safety when you're deep in the dungeon! Dungeoneer Designer Dantana has prepared a new line of enchanted embroideries that can withstand the most punishing challenges. Silks, linens, and cottons in styles to suit any savvy sorcerer or swordsman, with the spells woven into the fabric and amplified with empowering beadwork, stitchery, and applique that are proven to turn blades AND turn heads!

Dantana is the sole fashionista who is fearsome enough to put his own handiwork to the test on the front lines. He's gentled giants, swam through slimes, driven off dragons, and gone head to head with the hobgoblins, and looked like a million goldmarks the entire time. And now you can too - he's taking the show on the road and opening a touring pop-up shop in all the most stylish city states. He agreed to answer a few of our questions before the tour begins, though, so here is our exclusive interview!

WWW: We heard you just returned from an expedition! It's great to have you back safe - what was it this time?

DDD: It's great to be back! I was in the Steinwald, testing out a new pattern. (He indicates a complicated stitch decorating his collar) I'd recently designed this, to resist petrification, and the villages in that area were being harassed by basilisks and cockatrices, and it seemed like a perfect opportunity.

WWW: And it worked, I see.

DDD: Oh, definitely. It was pretty good to begin with, but I learned a lot while I worked, and now when it hits the store it's going to be even better. Nobody's going to have to cower behind their shield when they enter a gorgon's lair anymore - they can strut in with confidence.

WWW: Amazing! Do you have any other new items to show?

DDD: Well, yessss... but I want to keep a few secrets, so the customers can be surprised when we pop up. Our first stop is in the sandy city of White-Ship-On-A-Golden-Sea - why don't you catch up with me there, and see a little more of what I have to offer?

And there you have it, loyal reader - the first lucky city on the tour! Well-Dressed Warrior Weekly will be there, and if you're wise, you will be too!

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"Adventurer who has gone overboard in their academic research on slimes, oozes, puddings, jellies and other related dungeon-blobs." - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2024


The faint sound of a bell ringing brought Olivine slowly out of a hard-earned slumber, a drool-damp scrap of parchment sticking to his face as he roused and sat up at his writing desk. The thrilling life of the academic.

It wasn’t the ensorcelled bells the Magisterium used to announce a convening, or the sharp clang of a wooden spoon on a pot that heralded mealtimes for the apprentices and magii. More like a cowbell, maybe. He rose from his creaking stool with a groan, and poked his head out into the empty hallway. Yes, there it was, even clearer than before. Someone was definitely ringing a bell in the condemned east wing of the former Imperial Magisterium building, or what was left of it.

“You can’t be serious. It’s two in the morning!” He stuffed his feet into his slippers and went stomping down the halls, passing the snoring guard seated at the door with a snort. It was a clear night, and otherwise fairly quiet. He might not even have heard the bell if not for that. He ducked under the stanchions blocking the doors, and peered into a building he hadn’t entered since that incident with the mage-hand fellow knocking down half of the city years ago. He drew a deep breath and called out into the dark hallway, “Whatever fools are messing about, that’s enough! Get out of here before I bring the guardsmen!” The bell didn’t cease, or even falter. The mage scowled and stepped over some rubble, venturing inside.

The halls which had once bustled with wizards, apprentices, researchers and alchemists now seemed so desolate, a thick layer of dust coating almost everywhere he looked. It was, he had to admit, a little eerie here – a place that had once been full of life, now as silent as a tomb. A tomb with an idiot cowherd jangling a bell. Where was that damned ringing even COMING from? He called forth a small ball of reddish-yellow witchfire and set it floating just above him, banishing the shadows, and followed the sound, deep into the dark, down spiraling stairs into the below ground levels. He hadn’t liked this area even when the building was inhabited, and now in this abandoned state it was uncomfortable. Was it always so dank? The hall had a musty scent, and the air was thick and wet. Ah, there! There it was – one of the doors had a bell hanging outside of it! A thin chain through the wall was yanking on it, and it jangled persistently.

Olivine banged on the door with an angry fist. “That’s enough!! Some of us are engaged in important research! What the devil do you think you’re up to?” The tugging didn’t even slow, and he hesitated. Was this some sort leftover automated mechanism someone had forgotten after the building was emptied? Or maybe… a test subject left behind, emerged from some slumber? Perhaps he should get the guard after all. But then again, it might be something interesting… He made up his mind.

The door swung open with a creak, revealing what looked like a research lab similar to his own, brightly lit with candles, with tables and shelves arrayed with jarred research samples of some sort of liquid. He entered hesitantly, squinting against the light.

“Hello?”

The little chain led back, back, to a chamber with glass walls, which seemed to contain – “Good lord!”

Inside the chamber was a gelatinous cube, the sort of monstrous ooze that the city used to keep the sewers free of refuse, vermin, and people. And floating within the cube holding the end of the bell’s chain was a nude woman, wearing heavy goggles over her eyes and a swim cap, a glass rod held in her lips extending all the way outside of the cube. As he got closer, she seemed to notice him, and through the blurry, wobbly creature, he saw her pointing to a rope lying on the floor, the end of which had dissolved into uselessness.

“Don’t worry! I’ll – I’ll get you free! Just wait!” He cleared his throat, and stepped back, taking the stance to cast Ullmer’s Lesser Obliteration, but stopped when he saw the woman inside shaking her head vigorously and crossing her arms.

“No? No?? But you’ll – What are you pointing at?“ He looked around the room again, and in the corner found a pile of tools and implements, leaning haphazardly against the wall. One of them, a dull metal hook on a long iron pole, just might do the trick. He’d have to get pretty close to that thing, however. He grabbed it with both hands, and returned to door, seeing the figure within nodding, giving him a thumbs-up through the goo. He cautiously opened the glass door and stepped into the chamber, coughing at the vinegar scented humidity of the air within.

The cube didn’t turn, or move, but he still felt that it was somehow aware of him – it’s wiggles and jiggles seeming to increase as he inched nearer. But that may have been the woman’s own attempts to swim closer stirring it’s various… ichors around, within. Steeling himself but prepared to leap back if the thing lunged, he gingery pressed the iron hook against it’s trembling side, shuddering in disgust as the membrane first resisted, and then abruptly yielded, allowing him to slide the tool in easily. The woman inside grabbed hold with both hands, and he throw his weight back, hauling her towards the creature’s exterior with all his strength, feet slipping at the last moment on the slick tiled floor and depositing him flat on his back. It was enough momentum that she finally pulled free with what could only be called a slurp, and fell coughing and gasping for breath on top of him, slick with cool goo that he could feel soaking into his robes already.

“Thank-“ She broke into a second cough, and spat unceremoniously to the side, as she sat up, straddling him. Olivine tried very hard not to think about it, or stare. “Thank you! I was beginning to think no one would come, and that would have been unfortunate! All of my research would have been pointless!”

“R-Research! You would have been dead!”

“That’s the thrilling life of an academic! Risking it all, for knowledge!”

“Don’t be absurd. Also, um, you’re – let’s move to the other room, away from that thing.”

“Oh, of course, of course.”

As she climbed off of him, he realized that he recognized the chubby little woman, though he wasn’t quite sure how yet. She walked around the monster, bare feet slapping on the wet tile, and cheerfully followed him out once she had retrieved a pair of incredibly thick spectacles from a table.

“I’m glad I didn’t take these inside. The gelatin won’t damage glass, but the wood of my frames would be ruined.” As she put them on and grinned cheerfully at him, it finally came home.

“Meghanna! You’re Meghanna, I know you! You were the one with that thing with the dragon!” He was agog – he hadn’t seen her in so long, he was sure she had departed the academy afterwards.

“Oh, that was years ago. The worms I found on that trip were very interesting – one of these days I’ve got to publish the research I performed with them. Right now I’m onto something else, though. Really great stuff.”

“What stuff? And do you want a… towel, or something…?” Olivine coughed politely into his hand, but Meg shook her head, seemingly totally unperturbed by standing around in her skin in front of a total stranger.

“No need, this stuff will flake off once it dries. Besides, it disintegrates plant fibers very quickly, I’ve learned. It’s much more effective on those than animal tissues, I think.” She bent down under her desk to retrieve something, and Olivine began to sweat a little. “Here!” She set a box down, rattling the jars inside. “I’ve got samples of more than three dozen different oozes, slimes, puddings, ichors, gels, jellies, and snots, from the various cave systems and dungeons within one hundred leagues of here. And I’ve been testing their properties, seeing if they have any applications that could be useful in food processing, or industry. We already use them for keeping things clean, why not explore more applications?”

“Because they aren’t safe! That one there attacked you!”

Meg blinked and looked over at the cube, which had begun to ooze aimlessly about its chamber. “Oh, no it didn’t. I was performing a test. I noticed when I was collecting my samples in the springtime that often I’d find these things with dead animals floating in them in their winter coats. I have a feeling that most people who die from these creatures aren’t killed by the digestion, but by drowning. I was inside of that thing for twenty minutes-“

“Twenty minutes!?”

“- and the only part of myself to be eaten was my pubic hair.” He was startled to see she was right, his cheeks reddening. “People entering caves or dungeons can bring hooks along to retrieve their friends if they should happen to be swallowed. This information will save lives!”

“S-still, that was far too reckless. You mustn’t do that again without someone to act as a safeguard!”

“Oh, I was sure someone would come along. And here you are! What was your name again?”

“Olivine the Extravagant. Ollie.”

“Meghanna the Magnificent. Meg.” She clasped hands with him and smiled. “Let’s head over to my room and scrape this off, put on fresh robes, and I’ll show you my notes.”

“Oh, I couldn’t, I ought to get back to my own-“

“You’re going to make quite the sensation in the Magisterium walking around like that.”

As he looked down, Ollie gasped to see that the cotton and linen of his robes and undergarments were in tatters, the material dissolved by the goo which had soaked it. He covered his groin with both hands, embarrassed, but the fat little wizard laughed and took him by the elbow and led him away.

The thrilling life of an academic, indeed!

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"Wizard who is NOT a sorcerer OR a warlock and furthermore how dare you" - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2023


"Can you walk me through it one more time?"

Meghanna the Magnificent held her head in her hands and groaned in frustration as the musclebound swordswinger seated opposite her stared blankly. "Okay. Okay!!" She slapped her palms on the tabletop, making the various dishes rattle, drawing attention from other diners. She had had 'a few' drinks, and was perhaps a little tipsy. Just a little. "It goes like this."

"Magic is woven into every fiber of the world. Everyone has a little in them - even someone like you! It's in everything, and around everything, but most people can't see it or do much with it normally. Some species CAN, though, and when one group has power the others don't, you know how that usually goes, right? Of course you do. And people looked for protection, and they prayed, and finally something answered, and empowered their believers. Clerics. They are GIVEN magical power from beyond. Still with me?"

The fighting man nodded, looking as though he was trying to find an excuse to leave and failing. "R-right..."

"Now, not everyone is lucky enough to be loved by gods. Some people have to PAY for magic. With their soul, with service, with sacrifice - whatever. The point is, it comes with a cost, and at the pleasure of their patron. They buy their power. That's your warlocks, your witches, anyone who talks about 'pacts' - pactbearers. They're given a tome, or a weapon, or-"

"A tome! Like a grimoire!"

"NOT a grimoire! That's diff'rent! Don't interrupt!" Meghanna took a long drag from her wineglass, and filled it, and took another, letting the bottle roll away on the table. When did that go empty? "It's different. Anyway. So next there's your... Your bards, their songs tap into... Some sort of, the.. song sung during creation. I'm not exactly clear on that one. They can access magic through music. Neat. Everyone loves a song. Anyway." Another drink. The small wizard was a little red in the face.

"Here's where you ticked me off, pal. 'GoOd eVenINg SorCeReR' my ass. Sorcerers. Sorcerers won the lottery. They see the magic around us, and they swim in it like fish. It comes as easily as breathing, doing magic. And they look at all the rest of us and smirk and ask why we have to do it this way, with our notes, with our flutes, with our BOOKS, why, why don't we just DO it like they do? WELL MY GREAT GRANDPA DIDNT SHTUP A DRAGON OR A FAE QUEEN OR WHATEVER, NOT ALL OF US ARE SO LUCKY, PALLL!" She reached across the table and took someone else's wine, slamming it down. The entire common room was watching her, now.

"NOW, wizards. Magisters. Magi. Magusesssess. No one does our magic for us. We have to study. We figured it out for ourselves!! Learn to stare at the cube till you see the hypercube, turn your mind inside out and rotate it in four dimensions and SEE. Learned that if you stand facing precisely 32.75 degrees southwest and say," she climbed up onto the bench as she spoke but her next words were a discordant jumble of consonants, painful to hear let alone write down. "Then you hold your hand just so, and then you -" she seemed to draw something in the air, and somewhere behind the dumbstruck fighter the wall to the street outside simply ceased to be, leaving the other patrons shouting. "Then you can do THAT!"

"Please settle down, miss, I didn't mean any offense!"

"I'm not offended!! Not mad!! Lemme show you how not mad I am!!! Getta loada THIS!" She whipped a piece of chalk from her pocket, and with the chalk in her left hand and the bottle in her right began to draw a circle on the rough wood of the table.

Outside a few puzzled onlookers had gathered to stare at the inn's vanished wall, only to be pushed aside by dozens of fleeing patrons as the common room emptied, except for the wildly laughing little wizard standing over her magic circle. Light blazed, and a massive blast of pink smoke flooded out into the street and surrounding neighborhoods, sparkling with glitter, fireworks exploding in the air above.

"WIZARDS RULE, FUCKERS!"

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"A mage who meant to sign up for the course on worm studies, not the course on wyrm studies!" - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2023

The first prompt I made, and the first story I wrote!


"I'm not-" wheeze "even supposed-" gasp "to be here!" Came the huffed protests of the little mage trailing at the back of the group.

Meghanna The Magnificent (or 'Meg the Mole' as other apprentices referred to her behind her back and also to her face) was not dressed for an excursion onto the Glassplains - she was more prepared for an afternoon working in the Academy's botanical sanctuary. Robes reinforced for kneeling and working in the soil, an apron with sample cups and empty jars, a pack full of tools and the various accoutrements of a mage in the studies of earth and growing were in stark contrast to the tough leathers and spell-woven shields of her classmates. She took care to avoid following the footsteps of the others, whose hard boots broke the thin crust of glass that covered much of the soil here, leaving splinters that could shred her thin shoes to ribbons.

Magister Porphyry, the wizard leading the group, signalled a pause and folded his arms impatiently as he waited for Meg to catch up. "Magus Meglana- "

"Meghanna." Several mages snickered quietly.

"Magus Meghada, that is enough!" He managed to snap and whisper at the same time. "Mixups regarding course assignments are not my problem, they are yours. What IS my problem is that you are slowing us down, making an appalling amount of noise, and generally being a real DRAG during what is supposed to be one of the highlights of this course - the field observations of the Glassplains Hellkite." The irate wizard's volume began to climb, and Meghanna cringed into her robes. "I am solving MY problem right now. If you insist you do not belong here, you may wait right here in this spot. Silently! When we have completed our observations, we will return this way and you may accompany us back to the designated Longjump portal site. Otherwise, come along, and attend. You may learn something of use to you in your, your... worm... studies. I will hear nothing further from you!"

Without waiting for a reply, the Magister turned on his heel with the crunch of splintering glass and stomped away, the other apprentices in the group smirking as they followed along, till Meg was left alone for a moment before shamefacedly trailing after the rear of the group.

Meg found herself unable to really hear Porphyry's whispered descriptions of the Glassyard Heckflier or whatever it was called, however, and instead found her gaze fixed on the ground. The glass was broken here and there by short, small leaves shrubs that pushed their way up through the crust, with thin bark that showed signs of surviving many, many fires. Small sticks and twigs lay in the ground below, long burned, studded with seedpods that had burst open in the heat. "Fire ecology," she mumbled to herself.

She knelt down, doubly grateful for the kneel padding on the front of her robe on the dangerous surface, and poked with growing curiosity at the exposed soil with the tip of the trowel she had brought, turning some over. A surprising amount of creatures began to squirm back under cover - beetles, ants, an earthworm of surprising charcoal black shade. She gently plucked it out, letting it wriggle in her palm. The soft body went from glossy black to ashen grey as she held it, and began to glow just beneath the surface, looking for all the world like a twig of ember in her palm. "Lumbricus... lumbricus ignis. Bonfire worm. Beautiful..." Something about it's presence unsettled her, though. She gently dropped it into a specimen jar with some soil and pocketed it. Bonfire worms. What was it about them?

She dusted herself off as she rose back to her feet, turning back the way the group had come, and froze. The footsteps left by the group positively WRITHED with the black worms, wiggling up from below and spilling onto the surface. Meg took a step back in alarm, sparking a grouchy protest from the apprentice she bumped into. The earth under the nearby bushes was also beginning to shift and churn as bonfire worms erupted to the surface. She suddenly recalled the other name associated with Lumbricus ignis. Wildfire worms. They had a mild mystical property of emerging in the moments before a fire broke out. In some lands they were used as a last moment warning system of sorts to prepare for a burn.

The gathered wizards startled as Meg's voice - usually described as "squeaky" or "mumbly" blasted loudly through bespelled hands. "EVERYONE TAKE COVER RIGHT NOW!" As they turned, they saw her summoning ghostly mole-like claws to the end of her hands and burrowing rapidly into the soil, ignoring the glass cutting her fingers. Then the wise among the group immediately ducked behind their shields, spells flaring up with protection against fire.

Porphyry, angry at this new interruption, began to shout a rebuke, and failed to notice the truly splendid example of the Glassplains Hellkite, crimson and scarlet, sweeping towards the group. Flying barely ten feet above the surface, it began to spew a wall of flame that swept over the group before it, roasting the flatfooted Magister in a single (mercifully short) moment. The surviving magi saw the beast snatch him up with it's claws in a motion described as "elegant" and "graceful" by many of them.

After a few minutes, the limited amount of fuel on the ground burnt away, and other than the smoke, soot and a brittle, thin coat of fresh glass in the sand, most of the evidence of the fire was gone. The worms retreated to the soil, and Meg the Mole poked her head back up from the ground, blinking in the bright light and hot air. "...if anyone is looking for something to fill the gap in their schedule now, I think there's still seats available in Mystic Vermiculture."

shaker_e: A pixel art portrait of a cute clown, with white face paint, dotted with confetti. (Default)

"Paladin who isn't breaking their oaths, they're absolutely destroying them." - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2023 CWs: vivisection.


"Within the boundaries of this circle, it is impossible to tell a lie."

The paladin drug the blunt tip of her sword through the dirt as she spoke, drawing glyphs and markings with a practiced hand. "I invite you to test it. Additionally, for the duration of the spell, no one outside of the circle will be able to do you any harm. You may have noticed my colleagues." The colleagues in question, a number of other bloodied, sweat soaked adventurers, were busily screaming epithets at the paladin who had trapped them outside. Leaving herself alone with the dark lord, who knelt before her, bound and defeated, but still proud.

"The sky is- blue. Blue? It is... Blue. Fascinating. Very well, fool. Proceed with wasting your time." The villain who had plagued the realm for hundreds of years, constantly tearing away at the remaining pockets of light and safety, looked for all the world like a human being. His voice still reverberated with the fading vestiges of power, though, and it had taken the lives of nearly half the party as well as dozens of allies to finally bring him to his knees, here at the very edge of his victory.

"The core of my faith is that anyone can be redeemed, if they are willing to make an honest attempt. Brought back into the light. However, we aren't foolish enough to simply extend the benefit of the doubt to every liar who crosses our path. It must be genuine." The paladin explained, patiently, laying her sword on the ground and unrolling a pack containing what appeared to be steel surgical tools as she took a seat on the ground before him.

"Thus the circle." the dark lord replied, understanding dawning, and beads of sweat forming on his forehead as he took in the tools.

"Precisely. However, the second highest tenet of my faith is that we do not kill - no one, even in defense of our lives. We pledge to never take a life for any reason. I have sworn a vow that no matter what, I will not take your life. I will grant you as many opportunities as possible to come to the light... Or, though it may grieve me, leave you unable to harm another again." She gestured towards her toolkit. "I can offer you several hundred opportunities to change your ways."

*I... Understand. May I take a moment to consider?"

"Take as long as you should need."

The villain knelt in silence, flexing the broken remnants of his power, reaching out to his lieutenants and servants, to the spirits that granted him strength, to his dark gods. All were gone, annihilated or banished beyond his reach. He was truly alone. Every bargain he had struck for immortality had been undone. The choice would either be to die, proud, or humble himself and continue to live. More life had always been his prize... The way forward was clear. And every vow had a hole in it, somewhere. Someday, he could find a way to return to power. And if not, well, perhaps - perhaps simply living might be enough. He drew the Paladin's attention with a cough.

"I. I vow..." His voice was tentative, the limitations the magic placed on him forbidding any play of words he might have been tempted into. He seemed to be feeling his way through the oath as he spoke the words. "I vow I shall do no harm to another, n...nor cause anyone to be harmed on my behalf. Ever again, as long as I shall live. You have my solemn vow, here in this holy circle." As the words came out of him, glittering lights began to drift through the circle, pleasing gentle yellows and greens, signs that the Paladin's deity was listening, and adding their sacred weight to the vow, binding it magically to the dread lord - now former dread lord. The paladin's companions, watching furiously outside, battered uselessly on the boundaries of the circle.

The paladin smiled, her eyes wide with pleased surprise. "Your reputation for wisdom as well as power is well deserved, dark lord! I never imagined I would get a truthful oath so swiftly." She deftly took a scalpel from her pack roll, and cut the ropes binding the once-villain, helping him to his feet. "How do you intend to live?"

The lord stumbled as he rose, shaky and pained from his recent wounds, healed though they may have been, his hands and feet asleep from the binding. "I ..I was a man of a faith myself, once. Maybe I could take it up again, if any god would have me. Find a small parish, far far away..." he has a tone of curiosity at the words tumbling out of him, as if these were long forgotten wishes newly coming to the surface. The lights swirled brighter still, the deity's pleasure evident, the voices of sweet, invisible singers drifting around the circle.

"I imagine you would be quite a prize to my god. The Redeemer has a special place in their heart for the ones with a hard road ahead. Speaking of my god, though - you yourself helped me to my faith, you know." As she spoke, she rested a friendly hand on his shoulder, drawing near.

The man blinked, confused, uncomfortable with this sudden nearness but unsure. "How do you mean...?"

"I used to live in a small village in the east reach. Don't worry about the name, you won't remember it. The beasts you called to your banners rolled over it like an ocean wave... I was the only one who survived, buried in mud under the bodies. Everyone I knew and loved, gone. I found the strength to continue by pledging to the Redeemer. And they set me on my path, the one that led me so many years later, to you. To you, at long last."

"I am... I can't begin to, I-"

The paladin cut him off, her smile fading into a look of fervent intensity, eyes locked with his. "I vowed to never take the life of another, not even in defense of my own, to never seek revenge, to never turn away from one who seeks to change their ways. This I swore, and I've kept those oaths for decades." And then with a swift and determined motion, she plunged the scalpel she still clutched in her hand into the dark lords stomach and dragged it roughly upwards. The glowing lights stilled and dimmed, the otherworldly voices quieting into confusion, and then a shriek of betrayed dismay. Her oath breaking severed the sacred connection to the Redeemer with a sound like a gigantic bell cracking, deafeningly loud. "I lied."

The lights vanished in an instant, but the flickering magic of the circle lasted a few minutes more. The screams lasted much longer.

shaker_e: A pixel art portrait of a cute clown, with white face paint, dotted with confetti. (Default)
"Adventurer who won't take a life. But also knows which bodyparts most beings "can live without."" - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2024
CWs: implied torture.

---

"Within the boundaries of this circle, it is impossible to tell a lie," The paladin explained, as she finished drawing a final glyph in the thin dirt around herself and her captive with the blunt tip of her sword. The minotaur who had attacked her in the dark of the maze, now bruised and bound heavily in ropes, swore at her, began to explain in detail all the different ways he would exact revenge as soon as he was free. The holy warrior was unphased, and sat on her heels in front of him, sword resting across her knees. "You can test it if you want. Or take my word for it. But understand - every word I say to you now is true. And you cannot lie to me. The truth will come whether you will it or not."

"Fuck you!"

"Now now. The Power that I serve forbids the taking of life. But at the same time, I know that if I simply release you, you're either going to attack me again immediately, or shortly thereafter. And if I leave you bound, it is only a matter of time till you break loose. So. I need you to promise me you'll never harm another person again. And it has to be the truth."

The minotaur laughed derisively, and resumed detailing his plans on how he would enjoy her death.

"I see. I thought you might say something like that." She opened her pack, revealing tools which would have been suitable for a butcher or a barber-surgeon, and after some consideration withdrew a scalpel. "I will ask you for your solemn oath that you will never harm another again. And if you refuse, or attempt to lie to me, I will begin removing pieces of your body. This will continue until you give me your word, and truly mean it, or until I have left you unable to harm another." She explained it calmly, bored-ly even, as though she had done this all many times before. "You won't die, of course. I will heal your wounds, stop the bleeding. But how you'll survive with what I leave of you will be in the hands of the gods."

The bull's threats had died off as the paladin went on, and he was beginning to sweat. "W-wait. You can't do that. That's not mercy!"

The knight smiled, a ghoulish imitation of good cheer. "I don't serve Mercy, I serve the Redeemer. I am simply forbidden to kill, even a miserable beast like you. Now, let's begin! Do I have your oath?"

"I promise I'll kill you! I'll hang you with your own guts! I'll-" the bull stopped short, horrified as the words he had MEANT to say were replaced with the truth of his intentions. "I swear I won't- I swear that the second you untie me, I'll tear your throat out with my teeth???"

"How terribly disappointing," she murmured. "Let's begin with the left index finger."
shaker_e: A pixel art portrait of a cute clown, with white face paint, dotted with confetti. (Default)

"Bard who's about to upend the whole magical world with their inventions, "amplifiers", "microphones", and "loudspeakers."" - Making Up Adventurers, Cohost, 2024


An excerpt from an interview with Roserot Snowblut, lead guitar of Toadmother, featured in Bardic Quarterly, Imp. Year 236 Spring Issue

Bardic Quarterly: So Toadmother is known for your unique, very powerful sound – what’s behind it?

Roserot Snowblut: Wh- oh, yeah. So, uh, it was something Briarthorn developed when she was still in bard school, I guess? It’s called, uh, “amplification”. And it makes us louder.

BQ: That’s an understatement. How does it work?

RR: Oh. Right. Uh. So… you know how when you blow in a horn, the sound comes out bigger? It’s like that. Except different. We use, uh… aetheric amplification. It’s a circuit of sigils laid out in like, gold thread, copper and quartz… the sigils capture the sound from the instruments and our voices, and- (She pauses, to spit a slug out – it falls to the floor with a wet slap.) -and they increase it, till it comes out of the loudspeaker over there. A couple people have made things like that before, but ours are special, cause, uh…

BQ: …Yes?

RS: Is this going to be… like… printed? Who reads this?

BQ: Mostly just other bards.

RS: Okay… uh. (She checks if anyone else is in the room and leans in and “whispers” loudly) It also increases the effects of our spells, so even though we’re not nearly as trained as Briar we can still cast way way fucking harder than most bards… and also it amplifies our… You know. The curse.

BQ: Why would you want to do that?

(At this point Briarthorn Blacktongue enters the interviewing room and interrupts, coughing out flies as she shouts) Because FUCK you, man! This is trade secret shit dude, fuck off! Roserot, babe, I'm sorry, you can’t spread that around, especially not to- I said get the fuck out of here, asshole!

Toadmother declined to continue the interview at a later date – the exact wording invited me to perform sexual acts with farm animals. I did see one of their performances, however, a set of original compositions performed for the Greater Ash Lake Coven and Associated Lesser Covens of the Eastern Realm. The power of their amplified voices is tremendous – even from well over a hundred yards, their magically amplified instruments are both loud and incredibly clear. And the illusions and the conjurations they performed as part of the act were of a magnitude that would usually require a whole magical choir acting in concert. The assembled witches, warlocks, and other pactbearers went wild for it, not seeming to realize the display of sheer power they were witnessing – not a shock, considering how readily other spellcasters will write off bards as empty-headed guitar-strummers.

This reporter will be watching Toadmother extremely closely as they prepare to go on their tour of the realms this year – this troupe could move mountains with their music. Whatever stories come out of this tour, they’re certain to be huge. Check in this summer for new updates from Bardic Quarterly!

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