Goblin Week
Jan. 15th, 2025 06:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shaker_eMeghana the Magnificent and Olivine the Extravagant watched the revelers outside the tavern window as they sipped beers, smiling at all the small people waving banners and noisemakers, getting into trouble. An ocean of goblins of every sort had flooded into the city, emerging from seemingly every hole, crack, and treestump to join the parade, which had gone on for two days now. The tavern door was barred, and a bored dwarf sat half asleep in a chair beside it, to make sure that the party stayed outside, and the big people patrons weren't disturbed. "I wish Goblin Week could last forever," Meg sighed wistfully, the round little wizard laughing as a trio of short creatures climbed on top of a barrel opposite the window to get above the throng, only for it to tumble over a moment later. Goblins immediately began to roll it down the street. "It's the best week of the year." Olivine blinked, though, tipping back his pointed hat and adjusting his glasses to peer harder. "*Are* those goblins? They look like gnomes, from here."
"Goblin is not a species," declared Meg with a tone of great authority. "Goblin is a size category. Every little guy out there is a goblin." Olivine laughed, and shook his head. "That's totally false, but please, go on!" He bowed his head slightly, gesturing graciously, in a 'the floor is yours' manner, grinning.
Meg nodded, equally gracious, clearing her throat. "Thank you," she began, then took a long drink. "Goblin is a diverse category, containing many different varieties of little guy. None of these varieties resemble each other except for being 'a little weird guy'; rather, they resemble larger peoples, which leads us to our goblin guideline, that being: Everything small is just the small version of something big." She slid her mug into the center of the table, and then slid an empty shotglass up beside it. "Gnome," she said, indicating the shotglass. "Elf," she continued, gesturing at the mug. "They both have: pointy ears; magical disposition; fondness for trees; long lives. Gnomes are elf goblins."
Olivine couldn't help laughing. "I'm sure the gnomes on the High Council would love to hear that. Then what about, about, ah, 'goblin' goblins? Like these friends," he said, gesturing to a pair of green youths who were watching them in turn through the glass, pantomiming Olivine chatting at the table with exagerated manners and laughing uproariously. "Oh man, they have my number."
"Orc and hobgoblin goblins, and hobgoblins are goblins of bugbears," Meg said decisively. She gestured to different goblin folks as they reveled around, interfering with the business of a knight who tried clumsily to weave through the crowd without being tripped or stepping on anyone. "Kobolds - the dog-looking sort, that kind - that's a goblin gnoll. Kobold - the shapely kind, with the big tails, that's - that's a draconian goblin - and draconians are the goblin of full size dragons."
"So some goblins are a sort of goblin's goblin."
"Precisely. Because of the goblin guideline. And the 'little fellow with a candle on his hat' kobolds are a type of fae, and that's a hole other bucket of worms, but they are also DEFINITELY goblins. Halflings are the goblins of humans, and dwarves..." She rubbed her chin thoughtfully before decisively stating, "Goblin of giants."
"Giants!" Olivine replied incredulously, looking around for any scandalized dwarves who might have overheard, but then paused, considering it. "That's not.. wait. Wait, I see it, I see it!" He sipped his beer thoughtfully, stunned by this revelation. "I might be a little drunk - this is beginning to make a kind of sense. So then what about humans?"
"The furtive pygmy, so easily forgotten..." Meg intoned with great solemnly, shrieking in protest when Oli tossed the last swallow left in the mug at her in reply. She held up her hands defensively, laughing. They were both distracted by a line of young human children running through the mob, delighting in being the tallest for just this once. "Humans are goblins too. We just get a bit bigger than the rest." She set a few coins on the table, and pulled a pair of wooden noisemakers from the pockets of her robe. She handed one to Olivine with a grin. "So what do you see we go out and join our goblin kin in celebration, hmm?"
They crept past the dwarf doorman, now fully asleep, and flung the door open, making their way out into the din, laughing at the shrieks of dismay as the chaotic goblin mob spilled into the tavern behind them.
"Goblin Week! Goblin Week! Goblin Week!!!"
"Goblin is not a species," declared Meg with a tone of great authority. "Goblin is a size category. Every little guy out there is a goblin." Olivine laughed, and shook his head. "That's totally false, but please, go on!" He bowed his head slightly, gesturing graciously, in a 'the floor is yours' manner, grinning.
Meg nodded, equally gracious, clearing her throat. "Thank you," she began, then took a long drink. "Goblin is a diverse category, containing many different varieties of little guy. None of these varieties resemble each other except for being 'a little weird guy'; rather, they resemble larger peoples, which leads us to our goblin guideline, that being: Everything small is just the small version of something big." She slid her mug into the center of the table, and then slid an empty shotglass up beside it. "Gnome," she said, indicating the shotglass. "Elf," she continued, gesturing at the mug. "They both have: pointy ears; magical disposition; fondness for trees; long lives. Gnomes are elf goblins."
Olivine couldn't help laughing. "I'm sure the gnomes on the High Council would love to hear that. Then what about, about, ah, 'goblin' goblins? Like these friends," he said, gesturing to a pair of green youths who were watching them in turn through the glass, pantomiming Olivine chatting at the table with exagerated manners and laughing uproariously. "Oh man, they have my number."
"Orc and hobgoblin goblins, and hobgoblins are goblins of bugbears," Meg said decisively. She gestured to different goblin folks as they reveled around, interfering with the business of a knight who tried clumsily to weave through the crowd without being tripped or stepping on anyone. "Kobolds - the dog-looking sort, that kind - that's a goblin gnoll. Kobold - the shapely kind, with the big tails, that's - that's a draconian goblin - and draconians are the goblin of full size dragons."
"So some goblins are a sort of goblin's goblin."
"Precisely. Because of the goblin guideline. And the 'little fellow with a candle on his hat' kobolds are a type of fae, and that's a hole other bucket of worms, but they are also DEFINITELY goblins. Halflings are the goblins of humans, and dwarves..." She rubbed her chin thoughtfully before decisively stating, "Goblin of giants."
"Giants!" Olivine replied incredulously, looking around for any scandalized dwarves who might have overheard, but then paused, considering it. "That's not.. wait. Wait, I see it, I see it!" He sipped his beer thoughtfully, stunned by this revelation. "I might be a little drunk - this is beginning to make a kind of sense. So then what about humans?"
"The furtive pygmy, so easily forgotten..." Meg intoned with great solemnly, shrieking in protest when Oli tossed the last swallow left in the mug at her in reply. She held up her hands defensively, laughing. They were both distracted by a line of young human children running through the mob, delighting in being the tallest for just this once. "Humans are goblins too. We just get a bit bigger than the rest." She set a few coins on the table, and pulled a pair of wooden noisemakers from the pockets of her robe. She handed one to Olivine with a grin. "So what do you see we go out and join our goblin kin in celebration, hmm?"
They crept past the dwarf doorman, now fully asleep, and flung the door open, making their way out into the din, laughing at the shrieks of dismay as the chaotic goblin mob spilled into the tavern behind them.
"Goblin Week! Goblin Week! Goblin Week!!!"
